The bad side of bed side manner

For confidentially reasons some of the names have been changed to protect my ass from getting kicked.

On July 12, someone close to me, I will call him, Juan, was scheduled for surgery, a biopsy to be exact- not the laparoscopic kind, but rather the full blown filet you open and dig around inside your innards kind... this story reflects the events prior to, during, and immediately after that day.

For several years Juan had been complaining of something aching in his chest. He had test after test after test and while I am not privy to knowing the results of each of them, my conclusion was that no one could determine a cause for Juan's pains. Skip ahead to 2 months ago or so, a new doctor and some more tests and again, things I am not privy to knowing, but it concluded in Juan needing to have a biopsy.

I went with Juan and his partner to the office of the surgeon that would be performing the biopsy. I sat in the waiting room for a good 2 hours- I didn't understand what was going on, I really was just there for the free lunch that I had been promised afterwards. You see, prior to that appointment I had specifically asked Juan's partner if there was anything I should be clued in on- I didn't want any big surprises- she assured me there was not.

Juan was quite uptight about the pending surgery and he mentioned the cancer word a few times but again, I had not been officially told that could be the cause of his distress and he had been tested for cancer several times already, so I wasn't taking it too seriously I chalked it up to "worst case scenario" talk. Juan had repeatedly said he was far more worried about the surgery itself than he was about what they may find and I just went blindly (in retrospect) along with that.

I went to the hospital on July 12 with Juan and his partner, his last words to me before the anesthesiologist took him away were to take notes throughout the day on anything the doctor came to tell us which I assured him I would. I then patiently sat in the waiting room, um, waiting, for the surgeon to speak with us. I'd say between arriving at the hospital and then speaking with the surgeon, about 5 hours had passed. Finally, we were called into a conference room with a small table and 2 chairs, the surgeon sat, the others with me stood and listened as the surgeon uttered the words "he came through fine, I found a malignant cancer and two nodules and I don't know what they are" Just like that.

Literally, I could feel the blood draining from my head as I steadied myself on the wall to keep from falling down. I shook as I tried to take the notes I had promised to Juan and I don't know that I could even see the paper I was writing on. I had a meek crackling voice by now and I tried to ask the surgeon a few more questions but he made it clear that he had no intention of lingering to answer things from insignificant me. As he hurried through whatever he said, I interrupted him and asked that he use laymen terms so I could make sense of what I was writing and he snapped that he saw no need for me to write anything down, that his report would be ready in three days. I explained that Juan was depending on us to fill him in as soon as he was awake and the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that he would see him first and he would fill him in.

I don't remember what else I asked Juan's doctor that morning- but I do remember this, practically verbatim: "It is not up to me to fill each family member in on everyone of my patients conditions, if I had to do that I would never get anything else done, that's why it is up to my patient to talk to the friends and family" I had questions about another surgery to remove the cancer, chemotherapy, prognosis- they all went unanswered as the surgeon pushed his way through us to get out the door and on with his day.

Have we all seen the commercial on TV for "The Cancer Treatment Center Of America" where the woman tells of her doctor coming in and saying "Peggy, you have cancer. It was like he was telling me, go to the store, there was no compassion" ? That is exactly how this consultation went, only it was not a TV commercial, it was real life and it left me dizzy.

Our group relocated to another waiting room where we were to remain until Juan was conscious and we could see him. We waited.... we waited... we finally decided to get a drink or a snack or something so we left word at the nurses station of where we would be and when we came back we told them that too. Still we waited- no one else seemed to be taking the news as hard as I was though. I sat there with my head in my hands nearly sobbing while Juan's son threw his empty soda bottle at my head (Juans son is 48!) (years!) and told me to lighten up or something similar.. Finally a nurse came in and said "there you guys are, we have been looking all over for you! Juan is awake and keeps asking for you, we didn't know where you were!" Trust me, with that and the arrogance, ignorance and God complex I had experienced earlier in the day with the surgeon it is a wonder I did not explode right then and there.

We were led down the hall to Juans room where he was very happy to see us. He was groggy and confused and asked what the doctor had said- I did not have the heart to tell him and decided it was not my place, plus he would not remember anyway. Juan's son left, his partner and I stayed a while longer, his doctor... never did show up. The nurse said she did not expect to see the doctor until probably 9PM or so... clearly this was inconsistent with what the doctor had told us back in the consultation room but during the course of the day I had learned that no one, even the ones in my own little group, excelled at communication.

Juan's partner and I finally left without having seen the doctor again. I felt so bad leaving, I didn't want Juan to be alone when his callous and lacking of compassion doctor came in and told him the news. It bothered me to no end but as it turns out it shouldn't have. By the time Juan's doctor arrived he apparently wasn't feeling like talking- he simply told Juan "it will take a few days to get the test results back, I'll check on you tomorrow".

Speaking of tomorrow, that's when I will continue this-