Finally... I'm Broken

I broke just now. I don't know what it took- I wasn't listening to any sad music or thinking of anything in particular it just finally happened- I was standing in the kitchen and all of a sudden I pictured myself putting things in my fathers coffin. The trivial pursuit card with the Willie Mays answer on it from our game at the Grand Canyon in 1984 and the only time I ever beat him- my interpretation of the electoral college because he has never once let me finish a sentence when I have been talking about it- then I started to just think about other random things, like telegrams that he sent me for my birthday because he was too far away to be with me any other way- he was at sea- probably catching the very disease that 40 years later would be claiming his life.

I am not your average person. My thoughts are just different and I have thought about everything and every outcome on every subject and whether I am right, wrong or indifferent I am always convincing at least to myself. I have a lot of far fetched ideas about life- I'm not a religious person, at least not in any conventional or explainable way. I've thought a lot about death too- not just lately but for for a good chunk of my life. I have been on that brink and it doesn't bother me to think of death as a choice, after all from the moment of each of our conception our only true destiny is to someday die. Seems as though we are in control of everything in between though and I'm not sure I like that.

I have been setting myself up for the last few years to face the inevitable and that being that my parents, are growing older, and that it is likely they will not be around for another 25 years- I mean, it's not like any of us know when our time is coming but each day we grow older really just pushes us closer to death and in their case I have been trying to prepare myself for the future, for a while now.

I thought I had a pretty good grip on it. We're born, we live, we die- big deal. But something finally broke tonight and for all of my thinking and reasoning and bull shitting and planning I found my self sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I am not good in uncontrolled situations and I am angry at the lack of control that I have right now - my instinct is to metaphorically run away but I am trying so hard not to do that right now... I am so afraid that this time, by the time I come back from where ever I go to protect myself, that it will be too late.

I am a mess and my ramblings here are proof of that.