It's Diana but my momma calls me dummy....

A few days ago I acquired a new tank for Ubb. It is a monstrosity of a thing- 48" long, 13" wide, and it sits on a stand which makes its overall height tall enough to be a half wall- ever since I got it I have been wondering where in the world I was going to put it...

After walking around and noticing there is nowhere with that much empty space in my house, I thought if I only had a smaller sofa, then I could put the tank and stand behind it - the sofa I have now is very VERY deep, so it already sticks out further than I would prefer it too...

That set the wheels in motion for me thinking I needed a smaller sofa. My living room is not huge- and it's narrow, so whatever I got could not be more than 72" in length and I have looked fairly enthusiastically online and locally for a sofa less than 72" and haven't had much luck.

Plus, new sofa had to be cheap- really cheap as I have no money to be out buying furniture in anywhere other than a discount place, a yard sale, a thrift shop etc and even then I am splurging beyond my means...

Today I was in town running errands and decided to look at the usual hot spots for bargains, Ken-A-Set (Jenny, that's where you got that cool round chair), The Salvation Army and as a last resort Goodwill.

Our Goodwill has a very small selection of furniture- very small. In fact I don't know that I have ever really seen a sofa there but I went anyway just "in case". Today they did have something that may have worked- a double reclining loveseat - but it was dirty and not what I wanted...

But next to it there were two very contemporary and huge, tiered, square, end tables. These tables were sitting in a way that made them look like a sofa (using some imagination) and the wheels started turning in my head...

While I was looking a woman approached me- she was chatty, fairly well kept, my age but obviously a little on the slow side and by the attitude of the employees I deemed they thought her a nuisance. I think she probably comes in the store everyday.

One of the employees addressed her as Diane, then said "actually it's Diana, isn't it?" The chatty woman then said "My momma named me Diana but most the time she calls me dummy so I answer to almost anything". She wasn't kidding, she was stone cold serious and that really bothered me...

As I looked at these tables trying to figure out if I could turn them into a sofa, Diana was right there glued to my every out loud thought and she thought my idea was amazing. The problem was that I didn't have any way to transport these things and I was stuck on a decision.

Diana then tells me she has a friend with a truck and she bets he would help me. I said the obigatory "no, no, no, I'll will figure something out" but Diana insisted on helping me and with that she said it would take her 5 minutes to walk to her friends house and she would be back.

I stood there and waited wondering what the heck I was doing- anywhere that's a 5 minute walk from the local Goodwill is skid row Waterville with very few exceptions but Diana seemed so determined to help me that I figured I would wait and see if she came back.

Fifteen minutes or so later, here she is, with her friend Randy, and Randy's truck and Randy is happy to load these things and drive the 30 miles (round trip) to my house if I would cover the gas.

While I paid for the tables (which I had negotiated the price down by $10) Randy and Diana drove to the back of the store and loaded them in his truck, she came in to get me and said he was waiting to follow me, glad she could help, and to have a nice day.

I was a little bit dumbfounded to tell the truth. The whole thing was way out of my comfort zone as I don't easily interact with people but here were these strangers, on a Saturday afternoon out for nothing except to do a good deed.

I gave the $10 I had saved to Diana and she was adamant that she didn't want it. I told her it was for all the help she provided and the inspiration she had given me because I would have given up on this project if she hadn't been so eager to find me a way to transport them.

I gave her a hug and told her thank you for being so friendly to a stranger- something that is way WAY out of character for me, but obviously not out of character for her. All I kept thinking was... her momma calls her dummy.

Diana set off walking back to where ever she came from, and Randy and his wife followed me all the way home and he helped me put the tables in the garage until such time as I have time to make them into the couch that I have planned.

I gave him some gas money and he went on his way just as happy as could be that he was able to help out a stranger in need. I have done good deeds here and there but not like this- these people were excessive and I doubt it was a one time thing.

The tables are now in my garage waiting until such time as I have time to turn them into the amazing couch that I see in my mind. I have cushions saved from other projects, and an entire roll of upholstery fabric that I bought a long time ago just in case I ever needed it.

My entire project will cost under $100 and the most amazing thing- I measured the two tables and they are 36X36 so end to end they are..... 72 inches- exactly the size that I needed and I will have something cooler than anything I could have ever bought premade.

Plus, I am always going to have the memory of Diana. An overly friendly, good hearted, a little bit slow woman who hangs out at Goodwill and helps out strangers like me. Her momma named her Diana but she calls her dummy... I will never forget that.

Why I get defensive...

When guys like this

<-------------

have a tattoo of dead pig dressed in a police uniform and they put a picture of it on the internet with a death threat that mentions my kid by name, you can bet your ass that I am going to be sensitive about people criticizing the police.


So just FYI, if someone makes a derogatory comment about their opinions of the police, I am going to get pissed off about it- if you can't handle it then defriend me but before you do, try walking in my shoes or better yet, my sons.

The below story is an example of what the police deal with on a daily basis and the above is my opinion of those who bitch about them for their efforts.

By Scott Monroe
Staff Writer

WINSLOW -- A Winslow man pulled over in a traffic stop early Tuesday morning was arrested on drug charges, including possession of bath salts, police said.

The man, Nathaniel K. Kulik, 21, of 140 North Reynolds Road, was convicted last year on gun and drug charges after he was arrested with a loaded revolver outside an abandoned building in 2009.

Kulik was being held without bail Tuesday afternoon at the Kennebec County jail in Augusta.

Winslow police officer Haley Fleming was on patrol early Tuesday morning when he began following a 1996 Honda Civic on China Road, according to Police Chief Jeffrey Fenlason. Haley knew that the driver, Kulik, was violating a court-ordered curfew by being out at that hour, so he pulled the car over on Bay Street at 12:09 a.m., Fenlason said.

Fleming searched the car and then Kulik's residence, where Fleming found marijuana pipes, and small but usable amounts of marijuana, cocaine and bath salts in his bedroom, Fenlason said.

"Bath salts" is one of the street names for a designer drug that can reportedly cause hallucinations, paranoia and psychotic behavior. It became illegal in Maine two months ago.

"There was no indication he (Kulik) was under the influence of drugs at the time of the stop," Fenlason said.

Kulik was cooperative and was arrested on charges of unlawful possession of a schedule W drug, unlawful possession of a synthetic or hallucinogenic drug, possession of marijuana, sale and use of drug paraphernalia and violating conditions of release, according to Fenlason.

Kulik was convicted last year of carrying a concealed weapon, sale and use of drug paraphernalia, and possession of scheduled drugs. The conviction stemmed from November 2009, when police arrested Kulik, then 19, and a 17-year-old male from Embden, outside an abandoned building.

Police said among the items they seized was a .32-caliber revolver loaded with four bullets.

Kulik said that if he hadn't "taken something earlier to calm himself down, he would have pulled the gun out and shot the officers and himself," police said at the time.

I Got All Night.....

Once home this evening I noticed a missed call from Time Warner Cable on the house phone- hmmmm... did I forget to pay my internet bill in August? I certainly could have- with everything else that I have had going on especially with Dad, forgetting my $29.95 bill seemed the least of my worries.

Fearing I may lose my lifeline to the world (Facebook) I called Time warner Cable to make a payment over the phone- just like I do every single month. It is all automated and I know it by heart- I don't even listen to the menu anymore I just say Yes, Pay Bill, Minimum, Check and then give them the account number. Takes literally 2 minutes. Except for tonight.

When I said "minimum" the recording told me I had a balance of $114. which I knew was not right so I waited to speak with someone in customer service. A few rings later, Travis, answered the call. I explained my problem to him at which point he informed me that my internet had not been paid for three months and it was $39.99 a month, not $29.95. I informed him that he was incorrect. The conversation went downhill fast after that.

I told Travis that I had my bank statement and Time Warner statement in front of me showing my last payment was in July and that since this was August, July was in fact not three months ago. Travis then corrected me by saying that "technically, this is September, I mean, if you want to get technical about it" I told him that yes, my bad, it is September 1st but regardless, my last payment had been in July. He argued, I argued, he said I would have to bring my paperwork in to the office and then IF there was a mistake they would correct it. I said, that was not acceptable and neither was his attidude and that I wanted to speak to someone else. Travis then asked me, very sarcastically, who I wanted to speak to and I may have said "anyone who isn't a dick" . Travis then hung up on me.

Well. Ever since hurricane Irene, internet service has been out sporadically over three states in New England and I am sure that the customer service people at Time Warner have probably heard as much bitching from people as they can possibly stand, however, I have not had an outage, that wasn't why I was calling and I did not start the fight between Travis and I. Plus, I have all night to call back and my thoughts are that Time Warner really has bigger problems to deal with right now than my $29.95 bill so it is to everyone's advantage to resolve the issue, pronto.

Naturally, I called back. This time I spoke to Troy. I advised Troy that I wanted to speak to a supervisor and I wanted to speak to one right now. Troy politely asked me to hold. When the phone rang back to Troy I could feel him quivering at the thought of having to speak to me... but he explained that the call was in queue and asked was there anything he could do to help me. I decided to give Troy a chance. I think I heard his teeth chattering in fear.

Troy was quite patient and polite though as he went over everything with me and saw that yes, I had in fact made a payment in July, but the problem was that my bill had gone up $10.05 per month and since I always just make the payment over the phone and I always make it for the same amount and was unaware that it had gone up, I was now past due an extra $30.15 on top of the August payment I had forgotten to make and some other crap that made the total owed some outrageous amount. Troy fiddled with things for a bit and then asked me to hold so that he could talk to a supervisor.

I was on hold for at least 10 minutes, maybe 15, when Scott answered. I asked Scott if he was a supervisor and he reluctantly said "yes, why?". I asked if Troy had spoken to him and he said no, he just picked up the phone and there I was. Bottom line was that I got to start all over again with, Scott. To make this long story not too much longer Scott said that yes my bill had gone up because my contract had expired blah blah blah. I decided that it was to my advantage to be civil to Scott as he did have the power to change things and eventually Scott knocked the payment down to $34.95 per month and waived all of the other bogus charges that were showing on my bill, I made my payment and all ended fine (hopefully) in Time Warner Internet Land.

Now here is where it gets bizarre... before hanging up with me Scott reviewed my previous calls to Travis and Troy and agreed that Troy had been helpful whilst Travis had not. Scott said he would speak with him and I actually told Scott that I was satisfied with how things had turned out and that I didn't think it was necessary for him to speak with Travis. Scott said it was my decision. Truthfully, yes, the man pissed me off and yes he has the customer service skills of probably anyone who has spent the last three days taking calls from people griping about their internet still being off, and yes he was rude and condescending but the way I figure it, he is working nights answering the phone at Time Warner and that is punishment enough.

I'll bet that whenever I call there from my home phone number in the future, that a little red flag pops up and all of the call takers pretend to be busy till the new guy finally answers the phone... ;)

Sometimes, I Am Afraid To Live Here :(

They're boys and girls- they range in age from 7 to 17 - they come from the last house on the right and the first house on the left - they're bratty kids and I am sick of them.

I have had to call the Sheriff's Office more times this summer than I have ever called in my life. These kids are driving me crazy.

I have watched them torment my dog, throw trash in my yard, ride their bikes purposely in front of traffic- I have listened to the foulest language, the non stop roar of go carts doing donuts in front of my driveway, and screams in the middle of the night.

I have been awoken by this gang of kids beating on street signs with some sort of pipe, smashing glass and then today shooting..... something. I didn't see what they had but I immediately went outside to get Sid. He is afraid of them too.

While I was outside Deputy Cole showed up- I had not called him (someone else did) but I flagged him down to give him a description of the kids and where they went. I told him that I was beginning to be afraid to live here because this goes on day and night and it's escalating. He said he would go talk to the kids but we all know (including the thugs) that this is not going to stop them.

I don't want to be the crazy lady that throws cats at the local kids (metaphor!) but I am so tired of them and I worry about them vandalizing my place or worse- doing something to hurt Sid. I don't know what to do besides keep calling the Sheriff's Office and taking pictures of the little shits.

For those of you who are going to suggest that I go talk to the parents- that is out of the question- I am far to shy and non confrontational for that. PLUS- I am not the only one on this street complaining and calling the police- one of my neighbors who has lived here for thirty years is considering moving- that's how bad it is!

Finally... I'm Broken

I broke just now. I don't know what it took- I wasn't listening to any sad music or thinking of anything in particular it just finally happened- I was standing in the kitchen and all of a sudden I pictured myself putting things in my fathers coffin. The trivial pursuit card with the Willie Mays answer on it from our game at the Grand Canyon in 1984 and the only time I ever beat him- my interpretation of the electoral college because he has never once let me finish a sentence when I have been talking about it- then I started to just think about other random things, like telegrams that he sent me for my birthday because he was too far away to be with me any other way- he was at sea- probably catching the very disease that 40 years later would be claiming his life.

I am not your average person. My thoughts are just different and I have thought about everything and every outcome on every subject and whether I am right, wrong or indifferent I am always convincing at least to myself. I have a lot of far fetched ideas about life- I'm not a religious person, at least not in any conventional or explainable way. I've thought a lot about death too- not just lately but for for a good chunk of my life. I have been on that brink and it doesn't bother me to think of death as a choice, after all from the moment of each of our conception our only true destiny is to someday die. Seems as though we are in control of everything in between though and I'm not sure I like that.

I have been setting myself up for the last few years to face the inevitable and that being that my parents, are growing older, and that it is likely they will not be around for another 25 years- I mean, it's not like any of us know when our time is coming but each day we grow older really just pushes us closer to death and in their case I have been trying to prepare myself for the future, for a while now.

I thought I had a pretty good grip on it. We're born, we live, we die- big deal. But something finally broke tonight and for all of my thinking and reasoning and bull shitting and planning I found my self sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I am not good in uncontrolled situations and I am angry at the lack of control that I have right now - my instinct is to metaphorically run away but I am trying so hard not to do that right now... I am so afraid that this time, by the time I come back from where ever I go to protect myself, that it will be too late.

I am a mess and my ramblings here are proof of that.

FORTY-ELEVEN

So I am officially past the 1/2 century mark as of August 7th. The day came and went without any sort of apocalyptic event, luckily.

Prior to, Mom and Dad came up and took Audrey and I out to lunch and gave me my typical birthday check* (I had long ago conned any other would be birthday gifts out of them and they reminded me of that on the card LOL)

The day of my birthday was pretty uneventful 'cept for having Audrey to keep me entertained, a bunch of facebook posts and a few phone calls. We did the actual celebrating the next day when Haley and Casey were both off of work.

So it was Monday when Mom and Dad met Haley and Casey and Audrey and I at Margaritas which incidentally, prior to our arrival I had specifically said that I wanted no extra attention- I didn't need any birthday singing or fanfare, I even warned of the consequences for disobedience and kept a constant vigil on the comings and goings of those at my table... still someone was able to sneak away and the next thing I knew the clapping started and someone put a sombrero on my head and I was officially a spectacle. Ug.

The rest of my birthday present comes the first weekend in September and I can't wait. Haley and Casey and Audrey are taking me on a weekend adventure to the White Mountains where we will do some motel'ing, eating, shopping, and Santas Village'ing. It has been years since we have been to Santas Village in the summer, plus Audrey has never been, so I am really looking forward to that. There is no better present than being able to spend quality time with the people who love me and vice versa <3

* I spent half of my birthday check on a new tank for Ubb and will have the other half for the trip.

Out Of The Hospital, But Not Of The Woods

I blame myself for not paying more attention when I accompanied Juan and his partner way back when to that first appointment where I said I was really only along for the free lunch... but console myself by remembering that I had specifically said "If there is anything I don't know, tell me now so that I don't have any big surprises" and I was assured that I knew all there was to know? Well, I DIDN'T KNOW that that appointment was in a freaking cancer center. I guess I missed the sign or didn't think to read it- the place looks just like a medical complex where I would go to get my head examined or a mammogram- there was nothing about it that screamed cancer center. In fact I did not know this, nor really what kind of doctor Juan's doctor is, until he was released from the hospital and I came home and started researching him online. Now things were making a little more sense except for that one burning question, "why didn't anyone tell me this before?"

The home health care nurse came both Saturday and Sunday after Juans relaese from the hospital Friday. Juan showed up for his doctor appointment Monday morning. This was the appointment that the hospital had scheduled for him for the follow up and catheter removal. Upon arrival at the doctors office (the same one who had done the surgery) Juan was told that the incision sight looked fine but that the doctor was not going to remove the catheter (In a manner like eewww- I am way over qualified for that!) but his staff would call a urologist and make an appointment.

Juan's doctors staff was unable to reach a urologist and Juan was sent home, again, catheter intact to wait for a phone call for an appointment to have it removed. The call never came.

Juan was also waiting on a call for an appointment for when he was to return to the hospital to have the port put in. That call never came either.

Now I swear that what I am about to say is not something that I am making up- I can't swear on a stack of bibles to it's truth because I was not listening in on the conversation- but after the cluster of events over the past few days I believe this to be true...

Impatient waiting for the phone call about the catheter removal and the port installation, Juan decided to call the hospital. The hospital staff checked and told him that he was scheduled to have the port installed the next day at whatever time and that someone would be up to get him when the time came. What? Up to get him? Juan was confused- he asked "what do you mean up to get me? " the hospital staff asked, "aren't you still in room 467?" Juan says, "NO! I was released last Friday!"

For three days- the hospital still showed Juan to be in his room... am I the only one who thinks this is preposterous? I hope that I get to see the bill to see how much Medicare was charged for the three days after Juan was discharged from Maine General Augusta Hospital...

Maine General Augusta

After Juan's surgery on the 12th, his partner and I went to visit him daily during his stay in the hospital. He spent the the remainder of the 12th all of the 13th and some of the 14th in CCU.

CCU was very nice. All of the nurses were attentive and pleasant and I felt as though Juan was being well taken care of even though he had had minimal contact with his surgeon and had still not been informed of the cancer. I will be the first to admit that I was not there around the clock and Juan's memory was a little hazy- it's also not like the old days when you can pick up a patients chart and see what has been written down- everything is done on a well guarded computer so I can't say with any degree of certainty that the doctor had not told Juan of the cancer, but if he did he not tell him while he was lucid.

It was the 14th when Juan was moved from CCU to a semi private room on the fourth floor and to all of our surprise, the fourth floor is a super secret place that is not even mentioned in the hospital directory. Imagine our shock, and his, when the elevator doors opened to a big sign that said ONCOLOGY. Really? Cause there for while I was thinking that I had been the one with the morphine drip and had hallucinated this whole cancer thing..

The semi private room was so small. There was little room for visitors or staff- it was unbearably sad listening to the man in the other bed and it wasn't just his moaning, it was his conversation with a nurse about how the hospital had misplaced his CPAP machine when he had been moved to this room. Luckily, that was not my problem and Juan seemed to be doing as good as could be expected. He was in intense pain from the invasive surgery, still wasn't clear on what had been done to him and by now his partner and I really could offer him no new news as we had had none.

Due to the confinement in the room and Juan nodding off from the narcotics dripping into his veins we didn't stay too long that visit. We promised to be back the next day, Friday and said our good nights.

The 15th came and we were planning the trip to Augusta (35 miles or so) when Juans partner got a phone call from the hospital saying that the doctor had ordered him released. What? He still had a catheter, they had not put the "port" in (I know nothing about that other than it was something that was supposed to have been done) and only 18 hours or so earlier he was nearly bed ridden with his morphine drip- how could he be ready to be discharged? None the less, we headed to Augusta to pick him up.

For the rest of my life (or at least the average career length of a nurse at Maine General) I have to be very VERY careful never to be in a car accident or anything that will land me in that hospital because I am quite sure that in the nurses lounge there is a dartboard with my picture taped to it by now... but moving on, it was now probably 6PM and I sent Juan's partner in to see him hoping that I could have a chat with the charge nurse. I was very nice ( I was! ) but I told her that I wanted to make it known that I disagreed with the discharge orders. She looked puzzled. I told her, Juan and his partner live out in the sticks - in an emergency it is 45 minutes for an ambulance to get there. His bedroom is upstairs, and you can't even drive to the house- it is a long walk from the driveway. I also told her, his partner is 77 years old, there will be no one else home and I don't know that she is capable of taking care of him. His dressings would need to be changed, his catheter taken care of (didn't ask, don't want to know what that involves) and the nurse just looked at me like I was the biggest bitch she had ever met for questioning his discharge. I tried to explain to her that without the morphine drip he could be a handful and his partner is not always "with it" She said to me, and I quote "We can't change peoples personalities" I told her I understood that but wanted it on record that I objected to his release.

The charge nurse then went to Juan's room and asked him if he was ready to go home and of course he said yes- he had been planning it for the last couple of hours and the man in the bed next to him had just been released so naturally he felt ready to go- the charge nurse then asked his partner if she was capable of taking care of him and she sheepishly, as to not offend or cause controversy said yes, and with that I was escorted to the waiting room while the nurse showed Juan's partner how to take care of him.

About 30 minutes later a social worker shows up at the waiting room. She was very nice but she had obviously been called there to "quell the situation" and I had to start from the beginning again with why I objected to this happening. She did make it clear that it was not my place to make the decision, which I do understand, but I made it clear that NO ONE should make the decision without first checking the facts, such as, is home in an urban or rural location? Do you have an extended walk to get inside? Will there be competent people at home to care for you? Simple questions that to me, should be on a form on the discharge papers and signed off on by the patient and his caregivers- but they aren't.

After some time with the social worker and her really not being able to make a valid argument, she excused her self and came back to tell me that she had spoken to Juan and without mentioning me, recommended that a home health care nurse come by daily and help him, and he agreed, did I? Yes, at minimum, I agree. Thank you! For the first time since the ordeal started I felt like someone actually listened to pathetic insignificant me! With that, the nurses disconnected Juan's IV, gave him an appointment card with a time to see his doctor, in his office , for Monday, for follow up and to have the catheter removed, they then loaded him into a wheelchair and rolled him out to the parking lot said "good-by and good luck". (They may have mumbled something to me but I am pretty sure it was not luck )

Juan's partner drove him home, I went too to make sure he got inside and situated. He asked me if I was staying for the fireworks and a few other really loopy things and then apologized repeatedly for not being in his right mind. I left for my own home 45 miles away, the home heath nurse came Saturday and Sunday and all was well, or as well as could be expected.

Now I have my own opinion about why Juan was released late Friday afternoon, but I would really like to hear what others think... after reading this story and the 2 previous ones about Juan's doctor... does anyone smell anything fishy here?

The bad side of bed side manner

For confidentially reasons some of the names have been changed to protect my ass from getting kicked.

On July 12, someone close to me, I will call him, Juan, was scheduled for surgery, a biopsy to be exact- not the laparoscopic kind, but rather the full blown filet you open and dig around inside your innards kind... this story reflects the events prior to, during, and immediately after that day.

For several years Juan had been complaining of something aching in his chest. He had test after test after test and while I am not privy to knowing the results of each of them, my conclusion was that no one could determine a cause for Juan's pains. Skip ahead to 2 months ago or so, a new doctor and some more tests and again, things I am not privy to knowing, but it concluded in Juan needing to have a biopsy.

I went with Juan and his partner to the office of the surgeon that would be performing the biopsy. I sat in the waiting room for a good 2 hours- I didn't understand what was going on, I really was just there for the free lunch that I had been promised afterwards. You see, prior to that appointment I had specifically asked Juan's partner if there was anything I should be clued in on- I didn't want any big surprises- she assured me there was not.

Juan was quite uptight about the pending surgery and he mentioned the cancer word a few times but again, I had not been officially told that could be the cause of his distress and he had been tested for cancer several times already, so I wasn't taking it too seriously I chalked it up to "worst case scenario" talk. Juan had repeatedly said he was far more worried about the surgery itself than he was about what they may find and I just went blindly (in retrospect) along with that.

I went to the hospital on July 12 with Juan and his partner, his last words to me before the anesthesiologist took him away were to take notes throughout the day on anything the doctor came to tell us which I assured him I would. I then patiently sat in the waiting room, um, waiting, for the surgeon to speak with us. I'd say between arriving at the hospital and then speaking with the surgeon, about 5 hours had passed. Finally, we were called into a conference room with a small table and 2 chairs, the surgeon sat, the others with me stood and listened as the surgeon uttered the words "he came through fine, I found a malignant cancer and two nodules and I don't know what they are" Just like that.

Literally, I could feel the blood draining from my head as I steadied myself on the wall to keep from falling down. I shook as I tried to take the notes I had promised to Juan and I don't know that I could even see the paper I was writing on. I had a meek crackling voice by now and I tried to ask the surgeon a few more questions but he made it clear that he had no intention of lingering to answer things from insignificant me. As he hurried through whatever he said, I interrupted him and asked that he use laymen terms so I could make sense of what I was writing and he snapped that he saw no need for me to write anything down, that his report would be ready in three days. I explained that Juan was depending on us to fill him in as soon as he was awake and the doctor told me in no uncertain terms that he would see him first and he would fill him in.

I don't remember what else I asked Juan's doctor that morning- but I do remember this, practically verbatim: "It is not up to me to fill each family member in on everyone of my patients conditions, if I had to do that I would never get anything else done, that's why it is up to my patient to talk to the friends and family" I had questions about another surgery to remove the cancer, chemotherapy, prognosis- they all went unanswered as the surgeon pushed his way through us to get out the door and on with his day.

Have we all seen the commercial on TV for "The Cancer Treatment Center Of America" where the woman tells of her doctor coming in and saying "Peggy, you have cancer. It was like he was telling me, go to the store, there was no compassion" ? That is exactly how this consultation went, only it was not a TV commercial, it was real life and it left me dizzy.

Our group relocated to another waiting room where we were to remain until Juan was conscious and we could see him. We waited.... we waited... we finally decided to get a drink or a snack or something so we left word at the nurses station of where we would be and when we came back we told them that too. Still we waited- no one else seemed to be taking the news as hard as I was though. I sat there with my head in my hands nearly sobbing while Juan's son threw his empty soda bottle at my head (Juans son is 48!) (years!) and told me to lighten up or something similar.. Finally a nurse came in and said "there you guys are, we have been looking all over for you! Juan is awake and keeps asking for you, we didn't know where you were!" Trust me, with that and the arrogance, ignorance and God complex I had experienced earlier in the day with the surgeon it is a wonder I did not explode right then and there.

We were led down the hall to Juans room where he was very happy to see us. He was groggy and confused and asked what the doctor had said- I did not have the heart to tell him and decided it was not my place, plus he would not remember anyway. Juan's son left, his partner and I stayed a while longer, his doctor... never did show up. The nurse said she did not expect to see the doctor until probably 9PM or so... clearly this was inconsistent with what the doctor had told us back in the consultation room but during the course of the day I had learned that no one, even the ones in my own little group, excelled at communication.

Juan's partner and I finally left without having seen the doctor again. I felt so bad leaving, I didn't want Juan to be alone when his callous and lacking of compassion doctor came in and told him the news. It bothered me to no end but as it turns out it shouldn't have. By the time Juan's doctor arrived he apparently wasn't feeling like talking- he simply told Juan "it will take a few days to get the test results back, I'll check on you tomorrow".

Speaking of tomorrow, that's when I will continue this-

Welcome Back, Me.

I am so disappointed in my lack of diligence in keeping this blog going after doing so very well at first.

I let a touchy subject and some chastising from an anti admirer get to me, so I decided I needed a break- that was 5 months ago and I regret now all of the events that have come and gone without me writing about them.

Don't get me wrong, I am in no way feeling like the world came to an end because I didn't sit in front of the computer typing my thoughts and feelings for a few months- I know that it is not the world that missed me, but I missed me.

True, these words are what I depend on for the future when dementia sets in, or when I just need a trip down memory lane... but they are also my sounding board. They are my way of yelling to whoever wants to listen about things that I am passionate about, they are my way of looking for answers to things that I can't for the life of me figure out- my words are venting, and rambling, and wondering and laughing and remembering and bitching... in fact, they are Hermit Crabbing!

I am hoping to get back into the habit of posting something, anything, every couple of days and believe me- I have a lot stored up to talk about!