Got The Top Pulled Down, Radio On Baby!

Once upon a time, in early 1990, on a whim I test drove a red turbo-charged convertible of some sort from a dealership in Boerne, Texas. I don't even remember what kind of car it was but I knew from that moment that I needed a convertible and would not rest until I had one.

Later that year I saw this stunning blue Pontiac Sunbird convertible for sale at a Chevy dealership in Kerrville and I knew right away that it and I were meant to be .... except that it was way out of my league, price wise.

1990 was also the year that Geo came out with their 2 seater Metro convertible that they built so that the average person could enjoy the fun of driving a Miata, just without the hefty price tag and, well, luxury.

The 1990 Geo Metro was just under 10K and there was a waiting list for them before they even hit the sales floor. I had decided that I wanted a yellow one and as soon as the dealership in San Antonio had one in stock I was there to buy it with pre arranged financing. The thing was though, they wouldn't sell it to me! They were in such high demand that the dealers were hoarding them, waiting for people to buy them that didn't have a trade in or who were willing to pay more than the asking price- the strategy worked, for them anyway.

Meanwhile the stunning blue Pontiac in Kerrville was still for sale and I had been by to visit it several times. It had also accrued several thousand miles from the staff borrowing it so the price had been reduced... not enough though. By winter it was still there and I actually talked to a salesman about it and he told me that convertibles were impossible to sell during the winter and I could certainly get a deal on it. He then took me for a test drive and had me drive by a store front with huge picture windows so I could admire the cars reflection and me in it. The tactic worked but the car was still too expensive for a single mother dispatching for a living.

By February, and me continuing to stop by the dealership, the price of the car had been lowered several thousand dollars. I took possession of it on February 28, 1991 which was coincidentally the one year anniversary of my divorce. I called the car a present to myself for surviving the prior year. (Just as I was taking ownership of the car the dealer remembered they had promised it to someone to be used in a parade and they offered to take another thousand dollars off of it if I would consent to the parade deal! I ended up paying about 10,000 for this car- the same price as the Geo Metro!)

The convertible was immaculate all of the time. I waxed it so much I probably added 10 pounds of extra weight to it. I bought it all of the latest cool car accessories of the time, it was our mode of transportation for Haleys first trip to Disney World and I drove it to Maine and back a time or two. It was very well loved. Plus it was HOT, and so was I when I was driving it. We were attention seekers and finders, I needed that then.

It seems like I owned the blue Pontiac Sunbird convertible for a very long time, but that's probably just because time passes so much slower when you're young. Really, I only owned it until November of 1992. I traded it in on a Pontiac Trans Sport mini van, partially for practical reasons, but more so for emotional ones. It was a very hard but necessary decision.

For years and years after trading that car in I dreamed about it. While I loved the Pontiac Trans Sport too, (and I still have it 19 years later!) there is nothing quite like your first convertible... except for maybe the second one! To be continued.

Night Three At The Rink

Last night made the third time that I did not stand Heidi up to go skating! That might not sound too astounding to the average person but for me to actually make a plan to leave the house, then follow through with it- well, lets just say it's uncharacteristic for me.

Every time we have plans to go to the rink, I am excited, followed by a period of considering reneging to return to my hermit kingdom, and finally remembering I actually like going skating with Heidi.

I am still quite disappointed that I am not good at skating. I look around at all the people who skate like I used to and I am jealous. I am self conscious too that I am older than 99% of the people there. Plus, I whine and complain a lot about my body aches and pains, about my skates not being broken in and I spend quite a lot of time in the resting position which means I am standing in the lobby with the wall propping me up while I watch the good skaters... and then there is the aftermath, nursing blisters and muscle pains and for some reason I always end up with a sore throat.

So when I put it that way I have to wonder, why do I want to keep going? Well, it actually feels good to get out of the house occasionally and dare I say, socialize? Plus, there is music playing and lit up disco balls and cute boys and even though my skating is humiliating I feel a little bit more alive when I am there. I find myself having ambition to try to learn to skate better, and going forces me to get dressed and be some place on time and those are things that aren't part of the daily routine for a recluse like me. Then there is the fact that Heidi says I smile a lot when I am skating. Seriously? Me? Wow!

The truth is though, that I smile a lot during the hour ride to the rink and the hour ride home too. For someone who really doesn't like many people, I actually like Heidi. We laugh a lot, we never shut up, we are pretty crude without ever being remorseful and even though she is a) 10 years younger than me, b) not a fan of British accents, c) doesn't like Disney World and d) is a republi- I can't even finish the word... we still get along! Hanging out with Heidi makes the overstretched ligaments and impending callouses on my ankles, worth it.

Some people/things are just like that - their companionship is actually worth the trouble. That's how I felt about work at the PD during my last few years, Rebecca made the unbearable torment of being there, worth it because we had each other as best friends. I feel that way about Sid, the massive shedding he leaves all over the house is worth it because I love him. Actually remaining in Maine over the God forsaken winter is worth it too because of Haley and Casey and Audrey and even the worst case of Aerosinusitis is worth it if it means I get to see Jenny- so the point is that it's not just the activity of going skating that makes me happy, it's hanging out with Heidi, too.

Oh, and the reason I always have a sore throat the next morning ... well it's not because I am ill from the night before, it's because I have gone hoarse from all of the story telling during the ride up and back :) Thanks Heidi, see you on the 13th?

Well, Sorta...

Since Mommy and Daddy both had to work today I got to take Audrey to her doctor appointment today. I was happy to do it, but not looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong, I would do anything for that AudBall but the hospital is in Bangor and I just don't drive a lot anymore, so I was dreading that. Plus, this is the first time she has been there with just one accompanying adult, I was worried about getting lost or messing something up or not having enough hands.... mostly I was worried that I would forget some detail that Dr. Turi gave me to pass on. It was a little overwhelming to think about.

Then of course to top it all off we had a storm today. I say had as I am sure it is still happening but I don't want to look outside, so not only did I get to drive all the way to Bangor but by the time we left the hospital it was coming down fairly heavy.

Audrey had a good appointment though. She didn't sleep through it like she did last week, and this week was the first time they used a saw to take her cast off and she didn't care for that, but all and all everything looked fine. She had a new adjustment and a new multi colored cast put on and we were on our way.

We went to Denny's after the appointment, just Audrey and I. That was the first time we had done a restaurant on our own too. I have to say I liked it. I liked taking care of her, cutting up her chocolate chip pancakes and even when she wiped her chocolaty hands and face all over my sleeve, well that was just OK too!

The ride home from Bangor was treacherous. The snow had accumulated, no plow trucks had been out, cars were off the road left and right, zero visibility and 20 miles per hours on the interstate. I started to get so tired driving that I finally had to stop in Newport, a good 40 miles from home and take a break. Luckily a brisk walk through WalMart woke me back up and when we got back on the interstate the plow trucks had been out and I was able to drive about 40 the rest of the way home. (Plus I found a bowl with a suction cup on the bottom of it on clearance at WalMart and I had been looking for one for Auds for quite some time!)

Once home, Audrey and I went up for a nap and slept straight through till Mommy came to pick her up. We woke up sort of abruptly which caused Sid to step on her head and no one was too happy about that but all things considered, the day went better than it could have.

I am glad that today is over but I have to say that I am so thankful that I can be there when that baby and her family need me, and as soon as she went home, I missed her more deeply than I ever have before. We sort of had a special bonding day today I guess. I still feel exhausted though and am going to bed early tonight to recover!

Audrey's Second First Birthday

Today was the first time since Aud's birthday that everyone had a day off so we were able to have her official first birthday party at her Grammie Kim's house.

I'd list all of the gifts that she received but since they have been spread out over the last few days I am not even sure! I know that I got her her first Barbie doll (and plan to make that a tradition) plus a Buzz Lightyear ride on toy and a Disney gift card for our trip in April. Grammie Kim got her a bunch of new outfits, and I think Audrey scored some cash from Great Grandmother Claudette! This is all in addition to the cash she scored from her other great grandparents, plus clothes and toys galore from Mommy and Daddy!

We had some excellent pizza, and cake and ice cream complete with singing and Audrey showed no hesitation in sticking her hand in the cake and breaking off a piece! I'ts nice to be one. As the years go by I am sure she will be less and less encouraged to stick her hand in the cake and break off her own piece :)

Prior to the party though she had a doctors appointment where she had to get 5 shots! Poor baby- I am glad I wasn't there to witness it but it did remind me of when Haley was sick on one of his child hood birthdays and had to get an shot. Hopefully that will not be a tradition!

Not a lot else to write about today- I have been bogged down in the mind department and it's taken it's toll on my creative writing skills. Hopefully I will get over that pretty soon. In the meantime, I have packing to do for Disney, we leave in 39 days and I have barely even started!

i am a stalker?

I have recently had my feelings hurt and I am ashamed to admit that I am not taking it very well.

I am not going to try to fix it, clear it up, add my perspective or even defend myself over the incident to my assailant, because it is futile. Maybe that's part of why it bothers me so much, that and because I have spent so much of today being upset over it for no good reason.

To make a long story short, today I found out that an acquaintance of mine, barely, thinks that I am a stalker. I found this out because he wrote an entire blog on the subject. I should say that by stalking he means that I befriended him and we had a half dozen casual sentences between us over the last 6 weeks and I read his blog, which he sent me a request to follow...and I looked at his 700 pictures of his old house, which he sent me an invite to do- and we commented on each others statuses occasionally.

Today though I found bits and pieces of our conversations copied and pasted out of context on his blog, him making fun of me for one spelling error, and making me out to sound like I was straight out of the psycho ward. He also copied and pasted tidbits of comments we had made on each others statuses which as of today, I found that he had completely misconstrued into something outlandish... for instance, when we first became friends I wrote "nice to meet you" and today in his blog he wrote about how stupid I am to think that we had actually met. He even went on to say that I used other random women's profile pictures on my Facebook page and that I had no personal information on there to give him a clue as to who I am. (?)

Moving on...I am writing this now only to elaborate on the topic of stalking and say this just in case he reads it: If I were stalking you, you would have way more to complain about than the very few online comments we have shared. I would hunt you down because I know from your blogs where your old house is that you are moving out of and I would have shown up there. I also know from your pictures and blog description about where your new house is, and if I were stalking you, I would have found it. You have shared where you work and I would have showed up there if I were stalking you. I have seen pictures of your car and I would follow you if I were stalking you, heck I would borrow cars just to drive past you and not have you know it was me. You blog about where you shop, and if I were stalking you, I would have been there and since you apparently think I am a master of disguise you would have never even noticed me. Furthermore, from work, I know more about finding people on the internet than almost anyone else I know and if I were stalking you I would have emailed your yahoo email, your work email and any alternate emails you have ever had listed. I would have called you at your job to the point where your boss would be telling you to get rid of me or they would get rid of you. I would have sent flowers and cards to your house and your job and solicited all of your friends. You have told me who your sister is, and your brother-in-law and where they live. You have talked about your father and his wife from Vietnam and if I were stalking you I would befriend these family members just to wedge myself into your life and the fact that you hate them, would make it all the better. Plus, I would go and meet your new neighbors so that they didn't think anything about me hanging around your house. I would have sat outside your house while you were at work and coaxed your outdoor cats to come with me and then sent you ransom notes or boiled them in a pot on your own stove. I would call the police and ask them to check on you because you were suicidal, just to be a nuisance. I would have haunted you and tortured you with the very basics of what causes your low self esteem to the point where you would think you were in a horror movie. I would have screwed with your fragility to the point where you wished your were in an asylum. I would be a nightmare beyond anything you could imagine, if I were stalking you.

You wrote that in the beginning you were flattered that I was stalking you- please don't be. You and I don't even share the same description of the word and you are selling me short by your assumptions.

LL Bean's Refund Policy?

I started to write this a couple of weeks ago and then decided to hold off and see if I found a resolution- I did, and then I debated whether or not to write it since the issue had been resolved. However, I have since decided to go ahead and just tell both sides of the story, just as an FYI thing..

For those of you from away or who aren't frequent shoppers of LL Bean, it has always been their policy to guarantee everything they sell, indefinitely. In their exact words from the back of their receipt "Guaranteed You Have Our Word Our products are guaranteed to give 100% satisfaction in every way. Return anything purchased from us at any time if it proves otherwise, we do not want you to have anything from LL Bean that is not completely satisfactory. "

I know of people who have taken advantage of this, but I haven't and didn't expect any problem a couple of weeks ago when I wanted to return a leather "Heritage Bag" . The bag had minimal use and multiple defects and my my dad had paid well over a hundred dollars 5 years or so ago when he bought it. The bag had the LL Bean sewn in tag, and it is still available in an almost identical style online and in the store.

That said, I was unprepared for the service I received at the customer service counter. The woman who waited on me couldn't find the bag on her computer, she told me that ordinarily they would not take it back but she was willing to do it for me and would refund me $39.95. She said the the LL Bean guarantee really means that an item is expected to last a certain amount of time and that she felt as though my bag had performed that. I was probably there at the counter for 15 minutes while she fiddled with the computer saying she could find nothing like my bag to compare it to, to verify it's price. It was awkward.

Normally I would have been more boisterous about this, but she made it perfectly clear that she had the final say and I could take it or leave it. Finally she said she would refund me $49.95 but that was her final offer. I took it as I had no use for the bag, but I felt really violated. Seriously, I was upset about it all day.

When I came home I looked the bag up on the LL Bean website and found it instantly. I then wrote to customer service and asked what exactly the return policy is on purchases and I received an email back verbatim to what is on the back on the receipt. I then followed that up with an email explaining what had happened to me and in a couple of days I received a phone call from a very apologetic young man who said he looked it up on the in house computer and found 10 pages of the bag in several variations that had been sold over the years. He offered to email me a $50 gift card for the difference in its value.

I felt better (much) after talking to him and I don't know that there was any followup done concerning the woman who waited on me, and I would just as soon think there wasn't. I don't like to feel like I have caused a problem to anyone working for a living, I just don't like feeling taken advantage of either.

So the situation did get resloved and I spent the gift card at the outlet store in Bangor yesterday on some travel stuff.

Once home I found that the water bottled printed LL Bean was made in China and the accessory bag with an LL Bean tag sewn in was made in Vietnam... I was tempted to write another letter to customer service but this time my issue can't be resolved by one persons email. It isn't a matter of a refund or a cordial employee being apologetic on the phone, it is an issue much bigger than that and just a sad reminder of a sign of the times. LL Bean. Founded in Maine in 1912 by one man making hunting shoes... and now it's a huge complex raking in billions of dollars a year and importing stuff from China and Vietnam. Humph.

Audrey's Birthday Day

Over The Last 365 Days...

My G-baby has learned an unfathomable amount of things. She is almost done with her bottle, she eats what ever everyone else is eating, she stands, tries to walk, crawls at warp 9, can get off the furniture, claps, high fives, dances, can say "hi" , "momma", dadda, and she has her own signature move which is sort of a happy fist shaking maneuver and a loud "OH!"

She of course recognizes people and voices both in real life and on TV. She is addicted to "Dora The Explorer" (can't wait till she understands that Great Grammies name is Dora!) and to Sponge Bob. She perks right up and takes notice when either come on TV. She does the same when she hears mommy or daddy on the phone.

She is learning to put things back where they came from, she knows how to open cupboard doors, how to turn pages in a book. She knows her name and the meaning of "no!", also, she knows that if she waits till you turn your head she can commence to doing whatever you just said no to! Oh, and she knows that almost everything from treats to dog tails can fit into her mouth.

She knows how to climb stairs and animals. She loves the animals and luckily all of ours love (well, tolerate) her. She loves to play in water and to make noise. She has abs of steel and is starting to get some hair... she adores undivided attention and her binky.

I think maybe when you are a parent that you have so much responsibility and life is so hectic that you forget how to marvel at every little thing a baby can do- when you are a grandparent it's different. Even though I see Audrey almost everyday she still learns things in between our time together that can amaze me. The first year is such a wonder, and I am sure all the years to follow will be too!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY AUDREY VALOR

Audreys Last Day As An Un Year Old

Audrey had an appointment with the pediatric orthopedic dude in Bangor this morning and for those of you from away that meant leaving the house at the unholy hour of 7ish AM to get there by 8:30.

Her left foot has not been progressing as well as it should, and even though standing and what they call cruising are her favorite things to do, she does not bear weight on the left foot like she needs to. It is still turned in quite a bit and it needed to be looked at so she can get on to walking on her own.

Doctor Turi is a nice man, soft spoken and gentle and his news on Audrey's foot was both good and bad. He said the shin itself is doing really well and he doesn't foresee any upcoming surgeries, but he did say he would need to cast her leg again for about three weeks. In pediatric orthopedic terms, that means cast today, go back next week and have cast removed, reposition foot, cast again, and repeat three times.

In between the time that the original appointment was for, and the time that Dr. Turi could do the cast, we got to sit in the waiting room and, well, wait. It started to really fill up as the day went on and one little boy, maybe 8 or so (I am not a good judge of age) comes up to me while I am holding Audrey and shows me his cast on his wrist, proceeds to explain it and then says "I like your baby, can I pet her?" It was just really cute! His mom came over and fetched him away and said he just really likes babies. I thought it was sweet- a lot of the people in the waiting room, especially the ones in casts, are not that pleasant.

By the time all was said and done and Dr. Turi was ready for the prceedure Audrey had fallen asleep. He, plus his assistant, plus two technicians were able to get Auds whole foot positioned and a hot pink cast on her entire leg before she even woke up! She is such a good girl. Even when she did wake up she didn't seem to be bothered by it. Of course she has had this done many times before but not recently- not since she started to crawl in fact so I can't imagine she remembered.

Us 3 girls then went out to breakfast and did some shopping- but we were all too exhausted to even spend the entire day in Bangor- we had to come home to rest! Later I took Auds her birthday presents from her Great Grammie and Grampa Lowe, and her Aunt Jenny and Uncle Xavier so she could get a head start on opening stuff and not be so overwhelmed like she was at Christmas. Do you know that in the time she was home she learned to crawl with that cast on and to stand up? It can't be comfortable, I would be bitching and complaining but Audrey doesn't even seem to notice. What a difference 50 years makes!

So that's how Audrey spent her last day as an un year old. In a few short hours she will be a whole year old and will have gone from being a new born, to an infant to a toddler. Love you Audrey, I am glad I have been able to be with you as much as I have over the last 12 months!

1, 25, 50, 75

From February 19th until August 7th we have 4 generations of significant birthdays. My dad is 75, I am 50, Haley is 25 and Audrey is 1. Just seems sorta neat that it is that way this year.

We didn't get to spend Haleys birthday on his birthday as he had to work, but on Dads birthday (the 17th) Haley, Casey, Audrey and I all went to Freeport for the day.

Haley had birthday money that needed spending and he knew exactly what he wanted- a road bike from LL Bean.

Haley being Haley, it took him hours to learn every thing about every bike they sell and make a decision so that gave us girls some time to shop without him pestering us! Casey and Audrey got a couple of outfits, I got nothing. Oh well, I need nothing.

After Freeport we went to Portland and ate at Chilis, then we all called Dad and sang him Happy Birthday. Mom and him were busy preparing for a birthday get together they were doing later in the evening for a bunch of the gang they hang out with in California. It's hard being so far away during special occasions.

We wrapped the day up with a bit more shopping, planning for our upcoming trip to Florida and talking about the year that had gone by. Oh, and Haley got his new bike as expected.

Audreys birthday isn't until Saturday but both of her parents have to work so we are celebrating it on Tuesday at her other grandmothers house. I can't believe that little monkey is going to be one. But then again I can't believe Haley is 25, I can't believe my dad is 75 and I sure can't believe that I am 50. Where do the years go?

Thank You Tony!

I had to do some digging through to the back of the freezer and the bottom of the pile but I found four more pizzas with free roller skating coupons at WalMart!

I have never been a huge fan of Tony's pizza- I prefer a nice thick calorie enriched crust with cheese that is actually gooey and tastes better than the box it comes in but those pizzas aren't getting me into the rink for free till June 2011!

Maybe I can add some extra stuff to the Tony's pizza, or fold it in half and try to make the crust seem thicker or maybe I just have to cook it less so that the flavorless yet scalding cheese does something other than adhere to the roof of my mouth... oh well, don't care, I will keep buying them as long as I can find a box with a coupon on it!

Heidi, I am all set to go for at least 5 more Sundays now, just name 'em! Oh and if anyone happens to have any of these coupons that they aren't planning to use, we would love to have them- you can keep the pizza :)

A Quarter Century Of Valentines

It was Valentines Day 1986 when Haley made his arrival into the world. From that day forward Valentines Day hasn't been important to me in a romantic sense, it has been much more than that, it's Haleys birthday and that's all that mattered. I have spent today, reminiscing.

When Haley was 5 (we were living in Texas) I decided to take him on a plane for his birthday. It was just going to be a day trip and being way before the days of the internet, I had to consult a travel agent to buy the ticket. It was the travel agent who actually suggested that we fly to Houston because they had a fancy revolving rooftop restaurant and we thought that would be fun, especially on Valentines day.

All I told Haley was that we were going to the airport to watch the planes and he was satisfied with that. When it became time to board I told him that the woman at the counter was letting us go on the plane just to see it. He was very excited! We then sat in seats and pretended we were going somewhere and when the plane started to move Haley was both freaked out and amazed. That's when I told him "Surprise, we are going on a plane ride for your birthday!" He held on for dear life until we were airborne and he realized it was quite an adventure!

The flight to Houston was only about 45 minutes long and we spent the next couple of hours riding around in circles on an underground tram that connected one terminal to another, spending birthday money at the airport gift shops, watching planes come and go, and then we went to eat at the fancy revolving restaurant.... which turned out to be... closed. It had been booked for the day for a special Valentine celebration and there was no one there but a couple of employees, who fortunately were touched by us being there and decided we could stay.

The restaurant was all decorated for Valentines Day, and it was very elegant. We had the whole place to ourselves and the staff specially made hamburgers for us, served us fancy soft drinks in champagne glasses and put on a regal show for this mother and her 5 year old Valentine. It was wonderful- it had to have been for it was 20 years ago and I still remember every detail.

I had purposely booked our flight home to be at dusk so Haley could have the full experience of seeing the lights of San Antonio when we landed. Once on the ground and a hour drive to home it was pretty late but Haley could not wait to see his Grammie and Grampa and tell them about his day! We stopped at their house and Haley ran in chattering so fast that he didn't make sense and showing them all the things he had bought at the airport, and about our dinner in the revolving rooftop restaurant.

We have had many wonderful Valentine Days since then. In grade school he always had a birthday party whether it was really a birthday party or not- he got cards and treats and I sent more to school for Valentines Day than I would have if it wasn't Haleys birthday. The picture attached was the year he turned 10, the year of his 16th birthday was the first time he met Jenny, this year is his first as a daddy- a long time ago he wrote me a note "will you be my Valentine?" and I wrote on it "always". Today he stopped at my house to give me a red rose and a card.

Needless to say I have never regretted sharing Valentines Day with Haleys birthday- maybe I don't have the traditional Valentine- but what I do have is something soooo much better. :)

Love Hurts

It had been a slightly difficult day but I had a sk8 d8 in the evening and I was trying hard not to miss it.

As it turned out I was a tad late and asked my escort to meet me a non predetermined location to save a few minutes and as it was we still arrived in Bangor just about on time.

Sunday night is adult night and the rink was far less busy than when we had gone before on Saturday night. Plus, the music was better and it's nice not to be the oldest person there... sigh. So I was pretty excited to trip the lights fantastic in my new skates. I had been doing all sorts of stunning tricks in my kitchen but getting out there in the much bigger rink, where people are skating at Mock 1 sure can be intimidating. Oh, and I am way out of shape...

These new skates are so much different than the old ones. I have never had boots like these. They are very thick, no flexibility at all and full of padding- which would be great except for there is no padding in the exact three places where I apparently needed it the most... luckily Heidi had a blister band-aid (I h8 the word blister) and I had an extra pair of socks so I managed to recover from my injuries.

Even though this just my second time skating in 10 years or so I am so disappointed in my pathetic abilities. Last night there was a guy in RENTAL SKATES that was skating really, really well. He was swerving in and out of the crowd and spinning around from front to back and I kept watching him frustrated because I used to be able to do that stuff! I wanted so bad to skate myself over to the guy and ask him to slow down and skate with me- I know I can do those moves, I just move a lot, lot slower- but I am way too shy to ever go make chit chat with a stranger like that so instead I spent a good amount of time alongside the walls practicing turning around and around and around and a few other pieces of foot work that used to be so simple.

I know I will get better- I know the skates will get broken in, and I know that Heidi is up to going just as often as we possibly can - now if the free skating coupons on Tony's pizza boxes would hold out, well I might get as good as the guy on the rental skates!

Oh and I should mention, that once again I did not fall down, at least while I had my skates on- it was after I put my shoes on and we were leaving that I tripped and nearly face planted in the lobby. That would have been hysterical. Not. LOL

Miss You Already

Jenny and Xavier left my house about 30 minutes ago and I miss them already.

They were here for just about 48 hours and I think we made the most of our time. Lots of laughing, eating and Audrey holding topped off with a late night trip to WalMart, and some spectacular stunt shots of snowbank climbing. Oh and some Mikes, that is tradition.

Jenny and Xavier got to see Casey briefly, and Haley for a couple of hours and Audrey for as much as possible and of course me.

I am just really glad that they were willing and able to make the long trip north to be able to visit with us. The rest of Jenny's family is in Cape Cod and the Hampton, NH area so my house wasn't exactly on the way to anywhere.

Our 48 hours together were relaxed, comfortable and fun and the only sorrowful part was that they couldn't stay longer. Jenny said maybe later in the year she could come back for a bit. I'd like that.

Tonight I am going to bed at a reasonable time- something I haven't done in the last few days which is a good sign as I didn't want to waste our time together sleeping!

from February 10, 2009

(the original call)

Supplemental Narrative:

On Feb 10, 2009 at 0519 Dispatcher Lowe and I were on duty at the Waterville Regional Communication Center. Dispatcher Lowe appeared to be in good health and we were in conversation when the color disappeared from her face. She was standing up, leaning against the dispatch console at this time. Then I noticed her eyes "roll back" and she became dead weight and fell sideways to her left onto the floor hitting her head also.

I checked her breathing as she was still unresponsive to my verbal stimulus. I immediately toned out Waterville Rescue, Delta Ambulance, and notified the officers on duty. After the tones were sent I double checked that Sgt _____ heard the tone, which he responded that he was responding to our location.

At this point Dispatcher Lowe was starting to come around and could not remember what happened. Officer _____ was first to arrive and helped me check her over. The rescue personnel arrived and assumed patient care and checked her vitals. Delta Ambulance transported Dispatcher Lowe to Inland Hospital for a medical evaluation. There was already swelling and bruising appearing over her left eyebrow and cheek.

(copied from an I wrote) I was standing at work, talking to _____ about buying pants when she said something like "are you gonna make it" and the next thing I knew she was screaming, toning out rescue/delta and ____ and ____ were picking me up off the floor and ______ was asking me all sorts of questions like what my name is etc. Delta hauled me over to Inland where I had a cat scan, an eeg, and ekg, blood work and xrays. I have a huge knot on my head from where it impacted the floor, a big bruise on my cheek, a bit tongue and messed up my shoulder. They released me saying everything looked OK and they didn't know why this happened. I am all weird feeling and dazed and confused and humiliated, and _____ picks me up at Inland to take me back to work where ____ is no where to be found and I go in to wait for him and _____ would not even speak to me. (I know thats the norm for you but she acts like I did this on purpose and that really hurt me) anyway, then I go down to _____ office to wait for ___ and he, the DC and the Chief all show up and take me into the Chiefs office where I sit still all dazed and confused and they tell me I can't come back to work till I am medically cleared cause they can't take a chance of this happening again. Then I say fine, I intended to make an appt with my doctor anyway and I say something about just hoping no one at work is mad at me- I am still incoherent and all and really talking about the other dispatchers but the Chief tells me that it is apparent that I am very unhappy at work anyway and while it is not their practice "to be mad at anyone" it is their practice to get to the bottom of peoples unhappiness on the job and on and on and on and I just wanted to go to bed... then they decide I can't drive home so ____ brought me home and here I am writing one big long sentence that I am not spell checking before going to bed with an ice pack on my face.

To be continued...

Not Much Bloggins Gonna Get Done Today!

As I type, Jenny and Xavier (my daughter and son-in-law) are en route to my house to spend a couple of days.

They arrived in New England on Monday and will be making the rounds to Jenny's hugely extended family over the next week. I am grateful they can fit me in to their schedule as I am way more out of the way than everyone else is. (Truth be told, Jenny really just wants to meet Audrey LOL )

I haven't seen Jenny since this pic was taken at her house in Texas last March... I hope she is not planning on trying to recreate it cause I would have to do some serious snow digging to find my outdoor furniture... or even my porch!

So it's 2PM now, they are due here at 5ish and I had hoped to be showered and en route to WalMart for some supplies (Mikes) by now but I am running slightly behind. I better get a move on!

Life Would Be Better, If Time Ran Backwards

I had the pleasure today of spending some time with my son, he was plowing the driveway and motioned to me to come sit in his truck.

Moments like that are rare for him and I. I spend a lot of time with his wife, I spend most of my time with his daughter, but just me and him- it doesn't happen very often. He is busy. He will be 25 in a few days and he has a lot on his plate. Much more than I did at his age.

My son and I are a lot alike in some ways and worlds apart in others. I bought my first house when I was 38- he bought his when he was 21. He is much more conservative than I am - it's important to him that his bills get paid on time and that he has stability- I never outwardly cared about that stuff and was much more of an adventurer. While we are both Type A personalities ready to erupt with a red hot explosion of molten emotions, we deal with it differently. I am not sure which of us is the most effective, or the least.

One chunk of our conversation today was about how much time he spends away from home. I know everyone rags on him about it because he is very devoted to work and he gets dragged in a lot of different directions. I try hard to admire that career devotion but also remind him that at the end of life, what is going to matter is the ones who were home, not the ones at work. I am living proof of that.

As we talked I told him that I wished that life was lived backwards. I wish that during his childhood I had been able to be with him every second and that after he was on his own, then I could have started my career. I wish that's what he was able to do too. It doesn't even make sense to me now, that I spent the first 18 years of his life juggling so many things, and now that he is all grown up and needs very little from me, I have all of the time in the world. It's not even fair and reasonable.

I should have had those years with him- just as he should have those years with his daughter. If I could change things I would willingly be the one working 70 hours a week so that he didn't have to. And when Audrey is grown and on her own, then my son can work 70 hours a week so she didn't have to. Who ever started this time continuum where we spend all of our child's lives busting our ass and then when they don't need us anymore we are left with nothing but time to sulk in the loneliness and ponder the meaning of existence?

I know not everyone thinks like me. I know people who could not wait for their kids to grow up and be gone so they could start their own life. I am just not one of those people. There was never a day in my sons childhood that I wished that- if anything, I wished the opposite and that's what I try to remind him of now- they grow up in the blink of an eye.

Yet I am also careful where I tread as I certainly don't claim to have always done everything right and I can remember many years ago going to a counselor (and not a very good one) and telling her that I was just overwhelmed with stress and never had enough time for all I was responsible for. I remember what she said to me "then you have to give up one of the things that make you feel that way" OK- proper answer to maybe a married housewife who is complaining that her yoga class interferes with her PTA meetings and getting her kids to soccer practice, but that answer held no validity to me. I said to her, "which should I give up? My job? My son? Or my home?" She looked at me pissed off, I looked at her like she was clueless and we parted ways. She failed to understand that those things were all I had and none of them could be given up. That's how I see my son now too, that's why I understand his life, his pressure and how there isn't room to give up anything to slow yourself down.

That's why I wish time ran backwards, so that he could enjoy these years, but I know that isn't going to happen and the best that can be done is to find a way to strike a balance- I just wish I knew how to help him do that.

.

The New Skates Are Here, The New Skates Are Here!

Since I only ordered them last Wednesday I was pretty excited when the UPS tracking info said they would arrive today, and they did, at about 0930!

Audrey and I were just settling in for a nap but who could sleep when there were new skates being dropped at the door? Not us!

I was really surprised when I opened the box. The skates are quite nice, not that I was expecting otherwise but as you can see by the picture, there have been some radical changes made over the last three decades.

First, the new boots are significantly shorter than the old ones and while I admit they are cooler looking, they rub my ankles and that will take getting used to. Of course, they aren't broken in, so I am sure all will be fine all in good time! Aside from the difference in height, the boots are extremely sturdy too. They are padded all over the inside and the tongue has about 1/4 inch of foam on the inside of it- my old skates have none of that.

The plates are a lot different too. The jump bar is much higher on the new skates and the cushions much thicker. The overall design of the plates is just not what I am used to. Of course, these skates are "Sure-Grip" which is a good decent brand, but they are not Douglass Snyder like the old ones. (Partially because they do not make make Douglass Snyder skates anymore and what they do make, Snyder, was priced at $1150.!)

Moving on, the toe stops are excellent. I adjusted them to where I was used to having them on the old skates and the angle of them is perfect too. The bearings are sooooo much smother than my old ones- brand new grease, not 30 years worth of dust and various animal fur trapped in them, yeap they are smooth!

The wheels are going to be the biggest thing to get used to. Roller skate wheels are rated on what they call a durometer . They range from about 75 to 95 with 95 being the hardest. Normally a wheel between 75 and 85 is considered an outdoor wheel- they are soft so they can absorb running over pebbles etc and much, much slower than the harder wheels. Since my old skates had very soft wheels I was not comfortable with the 95 rated wheel that came on the skates so I had some rated at 80 put on my new skates. My old Krypto wheels, the cutting edge of technology of their time..... are..... 40's. To my knowledge they don't make anything like that anymore!

I did do a few laps around the kitchen and the fact that the new skates fit better, and roll better I was really happy with them. I didn't notice a huge difference in the wheels while in the kitchen, and hopefully I won't on Sunday night either when Heidi and I hit up Great Skates in Bangor for adult night! Oh, and the new skates came with a free coupon to get into the rink!

I know that my review has a slight tough of negativity here and there, but it really isn't meant to - I just don't want my old skates to feel bad. They have served me well and I will never get rid of them, I just really needed something that fit my 50 year feet better than my 18 year old feet. Oh God! Seeing it written that way, no wonder the transition feels daunting!

In closing, Audrey and I am going to resume our nap, I very much do like the new skates and I am really looking forward to giving them a spin on Sunday, maybe I will even learn the Shuffle!

PS: Thanks Mom and Dad.

Why I Heart Top Gear

I talk about watching "Top Gear" a lot in my Facebook posts and this weekend happens to be the three day "Top Gear" marathon that is a lead into the start of their 16th season. I have looked so forward to this event that I actually figured out how to use my DVR just for the occasion.

Today is also the day that the news broke that about the Mexican Ambassador being ticked off over some humor at his expense quoted by Richard Hammond on the show- PUHLEAZE.

I for one think Richard Hammond can do no wrong, he is about the cutest thing I have ever seen next to my dog Sid. I love everything about him from his funky hair to his sexy British accent and would gladly give him a kidney if he so desired.

Needless to say being such a fan of the show and of the Hamster, I wasn't happy about the article, but what pisses me off the most is that people get so damn worked up over the stupidest shit. Right now there is chaos in Egypt, the US is fighting 2 wars, people in Haiti are still homeless and poverty runs rampant over half of the world and someone is all pissed off over a comment made by an English guy on the BBC?

The show I just watched was from season 9 episode 3 (Is it better to rent a car or buy one? The hosts answer this question when they road trip in the United States. They run into some trouble on their way from Miami to New Orleans, especially after they decorate each other’s cars. Season 9 Ep. 3) and the entire time the guys were in the US they were stereotyping and dissing on Americans but I didn't find it insulting or offensive. What I found is that I was glad I had gone to the bathroom before it started or, well, I won't go into details but when the guys all decorated the others cars to try to get them shot in Alabama, I could have had a real serious accident.

So, I like cars. I also like men, but that is not my main attraction to the show. What keeps me watching it, and made me figure out how to use my DVR is that Top Gear makes me laugh. The combo of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May is pure genius. I honestly can not think of another program on TV that I can sit home alone, watch and laugh like an idiot until my ribs hurt over sarcasm, dry humor and foolishness- and I need that.

Another thing I appreciate about Top Gear is that they travel all over the world to make their show so I hardly consider them the racists pigs that I read in the readers comments on Yahoo news today. Three presenters plus who knows how many camera men and other assistants and mechanics have traveled all over South America, Europe, Asia... by plane, train, boat, dirigible and of course cars. They even set a worlds record for being the first people to drive a car to the North Pole and I for one enjoy seeing the world through their experiences, (lord knows I will never see it through my own) and if they want to make fun of the Swiss, the Brazilians, the Norwegians or whatever, who cares if it is all in humor?

That's all I have to say on the subject, Hamster and Captain Slow are about to launch a Reliant Robin into outer space and I don't want to miss it :)

Karma, You Really Let Me Down.

I know I have to be mindful of what I say here. I know by the stats that I have more viewers than I have followers and I also know that I can't take away anyone's power to print- that being said, and still trying to be tactful, I am gutted over an article in today's local newspaper, well no, not the article but the subject matter.

It very closely follows a few of my most recent blogs, and while the person mentioned in the article was not the one who caused my demise, he was certainly in cahoots and certainly did nothing to support me or who is who I would consider "a person who never turns a back on a fellow officer" as the recent award he won indicates.

It's too bad too, because the subject mentioned in the article started out as a good man. He was. He was a good supervisor and a good guy who I respected, trusted and befriended. I never had one issue with him until the union of the B's formed and he turned into just another short sighted egotistical uniformed man with a stripe. That so surprised me too. I had held him in so much higher regard. However it just goes to show that even someone with as much dignity and experience as this man had, he was still able to be sucked in to a crowd hell bent on supplementing their ego by picking on the defenseless.

I would like to think that over the years this man had redeemed himself, realized that he was better than the group he fell into but the fact that he has been out on sick leave for pretty much as long as I have been unemployed, that really hasn't afforded him the time to fix the err of his ways.

Three years ago I would have been applauding this award and it's receiver, now it just makes me sick. What also makes me sick is that I always felt like him being absent from his job for over a year, was Karma's way of dealing with him. Now I just feel like absolution is, well, given away too easily to some people.

Filling In The Blanks

I decided to go through some old emails and try to fill in some of the blanks between where I left off in my "End Of My Life" stories and my commitment to keeping the time line and not telling the rest of the story until February 10.

You know, I thought I would be OK with this. I thought that two years and a lot of other things that have happened in my life would have made rereading the emails between January 30, 2009 and February 10, 2009 have little affect on me. What a liar I am to myself! As I read the words I typed 2 years ago I began experiencing a living nightmare that no matter how hard I have tried to escape I know will never leave me.

As I read my own words from what seems a lifetime ago I relived an anguish almost unexplainable. I felt my heart rate go up, my hands start to sweat, my head start to hurt and my stomach to ache, all from words. Two year old words. No wonder I had such a difficult time actually living those days, no wonder I have such a hard time living with them now. Even without the reminders that I just subjected myself to, I wonder how I managed to get to the point where I am today. So far away from 2 years ago, but still so very, very close and inescapable.

I put myself through this today because I want to try to accurately portray the trauma- I don't want to leave any blanks in my the story. I want it all linked together, for myself too. Still I can only tell part of it. My part. I am mostly only posting emails from me, not the ones to me. While there may be some details left to the imagination, I think my words from the past will paint a pretty grim picture of what I was dealing with.

I am losing all fluidity and mental composure to write anymore right now. I am glad all I have to do is do is copy and paste the the words that have already been written and saved in old emails. So here goes, the in between of where I left off, and where I will pick up again on February 10, the blanks. I am going to try so hard to remind myself that it really is all behind me, all except for the perpetual nightmares.

WARNING, PROFANITY AHEAD
_____________________________________________________________

XXX was just at my house trying to order ME into work tonite. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like I need to burn the house down now. He is pissed that I said no, but I told him, I have that sleep study and I am not canceling it. Thats what happens when XXX lets XXX and XXX off on the same night, and then XXX and XXX cry about the fact that they are already covering for XXX tonite and don't want to do more. I pointed out to him that I worked OT yesterday of which he got real cocky and said this wasn't a matter of seniority or convenience or who worked when- but that if I was telling him I had a medical reason for not working then he had to accept that. I offered to show him paperwork and told him it was already on my time card etc, which just pissed him off more. Funny though- no one ever called me and said that it wasn't filled and how the hell does he know where I live? I am sooo upset I can hardly breathe. I feel like I have been raped.

yes, I have to go to Whalon House and spend the night hooked up to electrodes till 0600 I turned all the stuff in to XXX a couple of weeks ago and he approved the time off and it is on my time card and the calendar.

XXX said XXX is out of state and he can't force XXX in cause its the tail end of his vacation. XXX is staying till 8 and XXX is staying till 2 and XXX is coming in from 8-2, but no one will do 2-6. Geez, maybe XXX will have to come in for it. I am REALLY mad that he came here, no one even called me first or anything- the only reason I knew any of this is because I had to call work to talk to XXX to get his dads number to try to get equipment to thaw H&C's water lines and I told XXX then that I could not take the shift but she was so persistent and bitchy I told her I would call later if I could do it- then I remembered the sleep study and that I can't do it and I never heard another thing about it till that fucking ass showed up at my house. I am really STRESSED cause I know I am gonna get all kinds of fucking shit for not going to work. He really tried his ass hole techniques to get me to cower too, but I was like, this is my day off, my only time with my family (who was here when XXX came) and I have a medical note for the time off ! He could not even look me in the eye, just stood there shaking his head and his vein bulging like he would do anything ANYTHING to win. Why he didn't call XXX and tell him to solve the issue, I don't know. Yes I do! Retaliation, trying to be a big man all puffed up with Napoleon syndrome and revenge. . So now I guess XXX will end up staying over and will be a fucking ass to me from this day forward..

(From my father)

Hello All;

Mama passed away this evening about 8 PM eastern time after a prolonged struggle with dementia. She was in and out of consciousness for the last few days. Joan was with her most of the last 48 hours.
Scott and I both spoke to Mama over Joan's speaker phone yesterday, Joan said she physically reacted to our voices.

According to her wishes, there will be no public funereal, she will be buried, with our Dad, at the Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery, San Antonio, Texas.

Mama was born 27 April 1911, she lived a very long, productive life. She loved her family, traveling, and her hobbies.

She was so happy to see you all during the two get togethers we had in the past few years.

You are the only cousins I have addresses for, please notify the others.

Say a prayer for Mama, she was a great lady.

Love to all John

I am still so pissed off over XXX episode and him coming here, I am just shaking at the thought and can't quit seeing him standing in my house. And I am stressed over the water issue at H&C's and I am more upset over my Grandma than I thought I would be, and I am most angry that I can't focus on that because I am too fucking consumed with worry about work.

______________________________________________________________

I am trying to be OK. Spoke to XXX today and he acted like I was lying about my grand mother, but you know what? There is not another person there that would not take their bereavement leave so fuck them all. It has been a very hard day. Sleep study was interesting. I am borderline apnea full result yet to be determined. I am going to try to go to Virginia around Thursday to say good bye to Gramma and see Aunt Joan. I say try because I need to get details to get a grief rate on the plane and as of yet don't know if I can afford it or not. If not I am thinking of renting a car and driving. Casey is here with me and going to spend the night and I assume we will be going to bed early. I slept OK last night but not well by any means and I am exhausted. Thanks for checking in on me, love you.

______________________________________________________________

he was just weird about it and asking lots of questions and stuff and I was weird cause I am taking it worse than I thought I would and didn't have the answers - I don't know the details and why should I have to tell him? I am sure that it falling on the heels of the XXX incident didn't make matters better. I am expecting them to make me produce a death certificate and I am going to just freak out if that happens.

______________________________________________________________

I had nightmares about work. I dreamed I went in and there were 6 other dispatchers working, everyone but XXX and I was just sitting there with nothing to do and I was telling XXX how stupid it was to have 7 of us there when half the time there is only 1. We got into a pissing contest and I cleaned out my locker and left.

Then I dreamed I was roller skating somewhere, came upon tis weird old house, went inside and could not get out except by getting in a car and leaving. There was a dog there that I felt sorry for so I took him with me and I think he had some kind of magic powers or something - I don't remember more, it was very very bizarre.

_____________________________________________________________________

I can not BELIEVE that XXX wrote an email to the whole department naming names and thanking everyone but me and XXX for being a team player and working overtime and putting the department ahead of them self. I am in fucking tears from reading that. HOW DARE HE? I am on bereavement leave- one of these days that mother fucker is going to know what this feels like.
______________________________________________________________

will you please erase my name from the 14th OT when you go in tonite? I had written on the side that I could take some but you know what? Fuck them, let the team players take it. And if anyone asks you if I went to VA, just tell them I was trying to and you don't know. It should not matter to anyone what I do, but I am sure the speculation abounds..I am not even coming into Waterville until I have to go back to work.

______________________________________________________________

I can't wait to come back to work and see whats in store for me after the week I have had (sarcasm, I am terrified). XXX read my email about having to go back to the hospital Monday, but did not reply. And you know, as much as I am sorry for what you went thru tonight, the bright side is he may actually have put in a 40 hour week this week by being there at 8PM. Speaking of 40 hour weeks, did you erase me from OT for the 14th? Remember, I don't want anyone getting the idea I am a team player

____________________________________________________________________

I am so fucking worried about the rift over that episode with XXX coming to my house and for taking bereavement leave, and then for having to take off for the sleep study again. I am expecting to be bombarded with trouble when I return to work, I am dreading it so much that I don’t even feel good.. You know, I have not been to work since the XXX thingy. I still feel like I need to burn that room down just to rid it of his lingering essence. Seriously, everytime I go to the door I see his stupid face there and I just want to puke.

______________________________________________________________

From: Jaye FiveEighty

Subject: here I am
To: XXX
Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:12 AM

right back in the bad dream zone

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:43 AM

At least you knew the XXX and XXX weren't going to ambush you when you first walked in at 2 a.m., right!?

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:59 AM

yeah, that will come at 8AM or so, or 9 when they get back from Tim Hortons.

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:29 AM

From: XXX

To: "Jaye Lowe"

Where the heck are you? You disappeared.

___________________________________
to be continued, on February 10.