Filling In The Blanks

I decided to go through some old emails and try to fill in some of the blanks between where I left off in my "End Of My Life" stories and my commitment to keeping the time line and not telling the rest of the story until February 10.

You know, I thought I would be OK with this. I thought that two years and a lot of other things that have happened in my life would have made rereading the emails between January 30, 2009 and February 10, 2009 have little affect on me. What a liar I am to myself! As I read the words I typed 2 years ago I began experiencing a living nightmare that no matter how hard I have tried to escape I know will never leave me.

As I read my own words from what seems a lifetime ago I relived an anguish almost unexplainable. I felt my heart rate go up, my hands start to sweat, my head start to hurt and my stomach to ache, all from words. Two year old words. No wonder I had such a difficult time actually living those days, no wonder I have such a hard time living with them now. Even without the reminders that I just subjected myself to, I wonder how I managed to get to the point where I am today. So far away from 2 years ago, but still so very, very close and inescapable.

I put myself through this today because I want to try to accurately portray the trauma- I don't want to leave any blanks in my the story. I want it all linked together, for myself too. Still I can only tell part of it. My part. I am mostly only posting emails from me, not the ones to me. While there may be some details left to the imagination, I think my words from the past will paint a pretty grim picture of what I was dealing with.

I am losing all fluidity and mental composure to write anymore right now. I am glad all I have to do is do is copy and paste the the words that have already been written and saved in old emails. So here goes, the in between of where I left off, and where I will pick up again on February 10, the blanks. I am going to try so hard to remind myself that it really is all behind me, all except for the perpetual nightmares.

WARNING, PROFANITY AHEAD
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XXX was just at my house trying to order ME into work tonite. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like I need to burn the house down now. He is pissed that I said no, but I told him, I have that sleep study and I am not canceling it. Thats what happens when XXX lets XXX and XXX off on the same night, and then XXX and XXX cry about the fact that they are already covering for XXX tonite and don't want to do more. I pointed out to him that I worked OT yesterday of which he got real cocky and said this wasn't a matter of seniority or convenience or who worked when- but that if I was telling him I had a medical reason for not working then he had to accept that. I offered to show him paperwork and told him it was already on my time card etc, which just pissed him off more. Funny though- no one ever called me and said that it wasn't filled and how the hell does he know where I live? I am sooo upset I can hardly breathe. I feel like I have been raped.

yes, I have to go to Whalon House and spend the night hooked up to electrodes till 0600 I turned all the stuff in to XXX a couple of weeks ago and he approved the time off and it is on my time card and the calendar.

XXX said XXX is out of state and he can't force XXX in cause its the tail end of his vacation. XXX is staying till 8 and XXX is staying till 2 and XXX is coming in from 8-2, but no one will do 2-6. Geez, maybe XXX will have to come in for it. I am REALLY mad that he came here, no one even called me first or anything- the only reason I knew any of this is because I had to call work to talk to XXX to get his dads number to try to get equipment to thaw H&C's water lines and I told XXX then that I could not take the shift but she was so persistent and bitchy I told her I would call later if I could do it- then I remembered the sleep study and that I can't do it and I never heard another thing about it till that fucking ass showed up at my house. I am really STRESSED cause I know I am gonna get all kinds of fucking shit for not going to work. He really tried his ass hole techniques to get me to cower too, but I was like, this is my day off, my only time with my family (who was here when XXX came) and I have a medical note for the time off ! He could not even look me in the eye, just stood there shaking his head and his vein bulging like he would do anything ANYTHING to win. Why he didn't call XXX and tell him to solve the issue, I don't know. Yes I do! Retaliation, trying to be a big man all puffed up with Napoleon syndrome and revenge. . So now I guess XXX will end up staying over and will be a fucking ass to me from this day forward..

(From my father)

Hello All;

Mama passed away this evening about 8 PM eastern time after a prolonged struggle with dementia. She was in and out of consciousness for the last few days. Joan was with her most of the last 48 hours.
Scott and I both spoke to Mama over Joan's speaker phone yesterday, Joan said she physically reacted to our voices.

According to her wishes, there will be no public funereal, she will be buried, with our Dad, at the Fort Sam Houston National Cemetery, San Antonio, Texas.

Mama was born 27 April 1911, she lived a very long, productive life. She loved her family, traveling, and her hobbies.

She was so happy to see you all during the two get togethers we had in the past few years.

You are the only cousins I have addresses for, please notify the others.

Say a prayer for Mama, she was a great lady.

Love to all John

I am still so pissed off over XXX episode and him coming here, I am just shaking at the thought and can't quit seeing him standing in my house. And I am stressed over the water issue at H&C's and I am more upset over my Grandma than I thought I would be, and I am most angry that I can't focus on that because I am too fucking consumed with worry about work.

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I am trying to be OK. Spoke to XXX today and he acted like I was lying about my grand mother, but you know what? There is not another person there that would not take their bereavement leave so fuck them all. It has been a very hard day. Sleep study was interesting. I am borderline apnea full result yet to be determined. I am going to try to go to Virginia around Thursday to say good bye to Gramma and see Aunt Joan. I say try because I need to get details to get a grief rate on the plane and as of yet don't know if I can afford it or not. If not I am thinking of renting a car and driving. Casey is here with me and going to spend the night and I assume we will be going to bed early. I slept OK last night but not well by any means and I am exhausted. Thanks for checking in on me, love you.

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he was just weird about it and asking lots of questions and stuff and I was weird cause I am taking it worse than I thought I would and didn't have the answers - I don't know the details and why should I have to tell him? I am sure that it falling on the heels of the XXX incident didn't make matters better. I am expecting them to make me produce a death certificate and I am going to just freak out if that happens.

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I had nightmares about work. I dreamed I went in and there were 6 other dispatchers working, everyone but XXX and I was just sitting there with nothing to do and I was telling XXX how stupid it was to have 7 of us there when half the time there is only 1. We got into a pissing contest and I cleaned out my locker and left.

Then I dreamed I was roller skating somewhere, came upon tis weird old house, went inside and could not get out except by getting in a car and leaving. There was a dog there that I felt sorry for so I took him with me and I think he had some kind of magic powers or something - I don't remember more, it was very very bizarre.

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I can not BELIEVE that XXX wrote an email to the whole department naming names and thanking everyone but me and XXX for being a team player and working overtime and putting the department ahead of them self. I am in fucking tears from reading that. HOW DARE HE? I am on bereavement leave- one of these days that mother fucker is going to know what this feels like.
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will you please erase my name from the 14th OT when you go in tonite? I had written on the side that I could take some but you know what? Fuck them, let the team players take it. And if anyone asks you if I went to VA, just tell them I was trying to and you don't know. It should not matter to anyone what I do, but I am sure the speculation abounds..I am not even coming into Waterville until I have to go back to work.

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I can't wait to come back to work and see whats in store for me after the week I have had (sarcasm, I am terrified). XXX read my email about having to go back to the hospital Monday, but did not reply. And you know, as much as I am sorry for what you went thru tonight, the bright side is he may actually have put in a 40 hour week this week by being there at 8PM. Speaking of 40 hour weeks, did you erase me from OT for the 14th? Remember, I don't want anyone getting the idea I am a team player

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I am so fucking worried about the rift over that episode with XXX coming to my house and for taking bereavement leave, and then for having to take off for the sleep study again. I am expecting to be bombarded with trouble when I return to work, I am dreading it so much that I don’t even feel good.. You know, I have not been to work since the XXX thingy. I still feel like I need to burn that room down just to rid it of his lingering essence. Seriously, everytime I go to the door I see his stupid face there and I just want to puke.

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From: Jaye FiveEighty

Subject: here I am
To: XXX
Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:12 AM

right back in the bad dream zone

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:43 AM

At least you knew the XXX and XXX weren't going to ambush you when you first walked in at 2 a.m., right!?

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009, 2:59 AM

yeah, that will come at 8AM or so, or 9 when they get back from Tim Hortons.

Date: Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:29 AM

From: XXX

To: "Jaye Lowe"

Where the heck are you? You disappeared.

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to be continued, on February 10.