I Need Income

I have finally come up with the perfect solution to all of my money woes. Plus, it is not only good for me, it is good for taxpayers too, and to think, I owe it all to Governor LePage and his campaign donor er, choice, for head of The Department Of Corrections.

Here is my idea. I want to adopt a prisoner. Well OK, not adopt in the legal sense of the word but more as in when an organization adopts a highway, or how Governor LePage adopted his Jamaican son, you know, just an expression.

I researched (poorly) the cost of housing a prisoner in Maine and it is about $100 a day. I am proposing to do it for $75 a day. Just think of the money this will save the state if everyone took home a prisoner! Of course there will have to be some modifications made to the prisoners lifestyle, for instance: they will only be as warm as I am during the winter and as cool as I am during the summer. I am not offering a perfectly climate controlled atmosphere! Also, my prisoner will only have access to the basic television package that I have, I am not planning to upgrade. I also do not own an XBox, a PS3 or a Wii, so that will be a big adjustment I am sure.

The biggest problem I can see is meals and health care. I can not afford to eat three healthy balanced meals per day so my prisoner will have to make do, as I do. As far as health care goes, well, I don't have any so neither will my prisoner. Since I have to be knocking on deaths door to convince myself to go to the doctor, I will expect my prisoner to be in a similar state of deterioration.

I think all I really have left to cover is exercise. I know prisoners are entitled to a certain amount of this and they usually receive it via playing basketball with their buddies or some form of weight training but my prisoner will get exercise the old fashioned way by snow shoveling and lawn mowing.

Of course we will have visitors day, since I plan on only housing a female it would be cruel to not let her children come and see her once a week or so. There will be no conjugal visits though, well with the possible exception of when her lawyer comes to visit. I won't be allowed to monitor that so it's really out of my hands. (Funny, if I needed a lawyer I would not know where to start to find one, but criminals seem to have them on speed dial... moving on)

I have put some thought into how I will reward my prisoner for good behavior and decided to go with a trustee type program. As long as they abide by my rules they will be let out of their room for an hour a day to dust and vacuum the rest of the house. If they are an excellent prisoner I will let them use my WiFi to take some online courses, preferably in legal defense. I happen to know that prisoners like to think of themselves as lawyers. NOTE: No offense is meant toward any prisoners or lawyers who may be reading this.

I don't see any problem with security, I rarely leave the house and it is a long fall from the room my prisoner will be staying in so I doubt she will try to escape. Oh darn- a phone. I don't have a phone in the intended cell... I know! I will get my prisoner a Tracfone with about 30 minutes a month of time on it, it's only fair that she have what I have.

The only thing I seem to have trouble figuring out is what to do for punishment if my prisoner misbehaves. Ah! Cleaning out my garage. That will keep her in line, no one wants to clean out my garage!

One other thing, I don't want some damn long term skanky hardened criminal or thief for my prisoner. I am looking for more of the Martha Stewart type, or even Paris Hilton. I want to house my prisoner for a month or so, get enough money to take the family (mine) to Disney World, then come back and get a new prisoner. I am not into these long term commitments things, and I don't want to be bonding with anyone. I don't want my prisoner to be going all Patty Hearst on me. Forget that!

I am going to wrap this up now and submit my idea to Joseph Ponte. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, life is about to get a whole lot easier.