No Blueberries, No Red Wine, No Espresso....

"Eyes! Hair! Mouth! Figure! Dress! Voice! Style! Movement! Hands! Magic! Rings! Glamour! Face! Diamonds! Excitement! Image!"

Lately I have been pondering, do the models they use in advertisements such as the one to the left, really need to improve their smile? Aren't their teeth just about as good as it gets in the first place? Also, why are they always women who can't get a date, can't get married, can't get a job interview until they have whitened their teeth?? If Crest Whitestrips or any of the other top teeth whitening companies really want us to see a miracle, how about a 2 week time lapse commercial on Jeremy Clarkson's teeth? Yeah, that's what I thought!

All of this perfection is just part of an ongoing gimmick hell bent on preying on women's insecurities for the purpose of greed. May I also mention that we got these insecurities from the damn media in the first place? What a viscous cycle.

At 50, I am a mess of non perfection. I have lived my whole life fixated on weight, but it seems the older I get, the less control I have over it, and sadder still, is that I have even less control over myself accepting it and the inner battle rages on.

My deformities are plenty. I also have a wrinkle. There is probably not a picture of me known to exist where I don't have bangs. That's all because of the wrinkle. I tried once to embrace my wrinkle, trying to tell myself it was like a badge I had earned for living this long but I quickly cut my hair back to having bangs again. Speaking of hair, I have colored it for 34 years! Granted, it was fun and I have had it every color known to Sallys but one day I began to wonder exactly what its natural color was and decided to let it grow out... now people just look at me like I am unkept.

Yeap, I am a 50 year old, non skinny, wrinkled woman with a hair color yet to be completely identified on the color wheel. Do I have a good self image? HELL NO! I haven't for most of my life, there has always been something I felt I lacked and now I have my non brilliantly white teeth mocking me!

My mother is a teeth person. She could have had a great career in forensics and identifying dead bodies by their teeth. She would not have even needed dental records to get the job done, she can, and will, recognize anyone by their teeth. Good or bad, it doesn't matter that's what she sees when she looks at a person. Needless to say she has always nagged me about my teeth- I could be dressed to the nines with my makeup flawless and hair styled to perfection and all she would say is "let me see your teeth". The proudest she has ever been of me was one day when I excused myself after dinner to go floss. She beamed like I had just won the Nobel Teeth Prize.

Now comes the question, why am I ranting about this and if I don't want to whiten my teeth who the hell cares? Well, lets have a show of hands of who reading this actually knows me and knows that in the last few years I have spent so much on dental work that I could have bought a new car! (and it's not over yet) So naturally I take the teeth whitening commercials as a personal mockery. These girls already have perfect teeth! STFU with the 'my wedding is in 2 weeks and my teeth aren't white enough" crapola! They may as well all be my mother getting as close to my face as she possibly can and peering at me through her trifocals as she says for the millionth time "let me see your teeth" AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, deep breath and I am better now. You know, for my New Years resolution I thought about resuming an obsession about my weight and dieting until I was sick, going back to coloring my hair, maybe getting botox for my wrinkle, and even whitening my teeth. But..... I decided that I needed to learn to accept that I am not a kid of 30 anymore and that I should not put myself through all of that grueling trouble to try to have a perfect image. (Its not like I am a skank in the first place!) Thing is, it's still January and it would have been less work to diet and color and de wrinkle and whiten, than it is to accept who I have become. I really find that quite sad.

Oops, gotta go, my mom just logged on and wants me to send her a picture of my teeth.

(I would like it noted that my mom is a sweet and wonderful woman and I meant no disrespect by referencing her. I would also like it noted that I adore Jeremy Clarkson and could not care less what shade his teeth are, in fact, I often wish I was British as they seem so less self absorbed with this stuff!