part two of a series of events that changed my life forever...Having caused a great deal of upheaval at work by not being able to be ordered in for an open shift on the morning on January 31, 2009, I returned home from my sleep study already dreading going into work that night. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that whoever ended up working the shift I could not take would be a total bitch to me, and that egotistical asshole sergeant who had the audacity to come to my house would be a force to be reckoned with. Plus, within the department there is not one iota of confidentiality, but that did not necessarily mean all the behind my back chit chat was going to be factual and the rumor mill had a 24 hour head start on me.
I planned after the sleep study to sleep most of the day and then suck it up as I had a thousand other times and report in to work that night. Before I went to bed I checked my email, and this is what I found: Jaye: Grandma passed away early this evening, I am forwarding you a note I sent to my cousins (that I have email addresses for). I will not tell Haley, but leave that up to you, I don't want to do anything to have him upset while he is at the Academy. We all know how close he was to his "Grandma" when we lived in Texas and the year she spent with us in Maine. She was a great lady and loved you all very, very much and was very proud of all your accomplishments.
Love Mom and Dad
This was one heck of a way to get news like this but with Mom and Dad being in three other time zones than I am, they never know when it is OK to call due to work schedules and so forth. Of course I called them right away and started the process of discussing the next few days. It was my grandmother wish not to have a funeral and to be buried at Fort Sam Houston in Texas, and I very much wanted to either go to Virginia to see her off, or go to San Antonio for her burial.
I was pained over the death of my grandmother. She had been living in Virgina for the last several years but when we all lived in Texas her and I and Haley were very close. Of course I knew that at 98 years old her days were numbered, she had been in a nursing home for the last couple of years suffering from dementia (just like my maternal grandmother had a decade earlier) but I just wasn't prepared for that email, especially when I was still literally sick from the asshole sergeant being at my house the night before.
I knew that before I could make any plans to see Gramma one last time, I would need to brave up and make that dreaded phone call to work asking for my 3 days of bereavement leave and one day of vacation time off for the rest of the week. I don't recall if I reached my supervisor on the first try or if I had to leave a message and wait for him to call, but I do remember that tone of skepticism in his voice when I did finally get through to him. He never came right out and called me a liar, but he definitely hinged on asking me to produce a death certificate. I was beside myself.
Remember previously I said I had worked at Waterville for 11 years? I had never taken bereavement leave before or ever faked a way to get time off. I was a good employee. I was never in trouble (except for the hallucinogenic moods of the supervisors) I had never been written up, suspended, or had any serious talking to's that I didn't generate. I wasn't like T who was brand new and took bereavement leave 3 or 4 times before his probation was up (6 months) or M who took bereavement leave 3 times for the same dead grandfather- I was just targeted because of the complaints I had filed about the big headed egotistical sergeant and destined for a career of misery there after.
I was finally granted my bereavement leave but due to finances and the fact that airlines DO NOT offer reduced fares for funerals and emergencies like people think they do, I was forced to spend my mourning time right here at home. I say that with a bit of sarcasm because I knew that if work found out that I did not actually go anywhere for my official grieving, that I would be held with further skepticism and questioned legitimacy of my grandmothers death. I tried to tell myself that what work was thinking and doing right now should be the least of my worries and that the hurt of loosing my grandmother should be all that was on my mind, but by the end of the week all I felt was guilt over letting work overshadow my grief. I was a complete mental waste and almost none of it had to do with loosing someone who had once been so important to me.
As if my week had not been bad enough, I received a call from the sleep lab confirming the suspicion that I did have sleep apnea and they needed to schedule another appointment for me as soon as possible to do further tests. Naturally, the first availability was the first day that I was due back to work which would be February 9, 2009. I faxed the paperwork to my supervisor to eliminate any doubt as to whether or not I was making this up, by now I was getting more of a whatever attitude than anything else.
Mere words, can not even begin to describe the stress that I was under during these days. 24/7 I was worried about what would happen when I returned to work. I began hiding in my house so that I would not accidentally be seen in Waterville and subsequently have to answer the "I thought you were at your grandmothers funeral" question. And I was pissed off. Our department had a fund for things like funerals and illnesses and child births and they always sent a card signed by everyone and flowers for these occasions but not for me. Nope. Zilch. My sole comfort was in emailing Rebecca and knowing that she was dodging bullets for me. I was definitely breaking down, and the worst by far, was yet to come.
This will be continued on February 10.
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