Too Tired To Type Tonight

Really, I have been typing for hours on other projects and even though I want to stay consistent writing here, my fingers are all typed out. I can...but I won't put them through anymore agony.

So I am resorting to what I will deem my "throw down blog" - stuff that I have set aside for days just like this. The throw down blog du jour comes from an email that my BFF Rebecca sent me a few years ago, it is a list of hypothetical questions. However, me being one who will never ever admit that I don't know the answer to absolutely everything, I decided to answer all of the questions and then email it back to her. I am sure we were sitting side by side when this happened, we did a lot of stuff like that back in the day. So now let me present, the answers to everything you may have once thought were unanswerable!

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
They could be, but how would you know you dialed a wrong number if it was busy and no one answered it to tell you it was wrong?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Yes. They even made a song about it... "I come from the land up over, where women sew and grow clover...

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Only if it is clearly labeled Philips.

Can a stupid person be a smart-alec?
No. They would be a dumb-ass

Does killing time damage eternity?
Of course. Anything you kill is gone forever and thus not eternal in the first place.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Back in the day of the caveman, women would beat their lips with clubs to achieve that nice full rosy glow that we have become accustomed too. As people became more civilized, women used a stick instead of a club. When sticks became obsolete, the name "lip stick" stuck because "rod of tinted waxy animal byproducts and chemicals" just would not fit on the Maxx Factor label.

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Sheesh- everyone knows this. It is because it is hotter during the day, and heat rises, therefore at night the temperature will fall- hence night fall. Duh.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
You are confusing the word 2nd with second. It is not the 2nd hand, it is the second hand, which is totally different than anything that comes from a 2nd hand store.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
This is a technique developed for blind drivers and is tightly regulated by the ADA. Blind drivers have a special device in their car that announces each address as an audible feature. If the radio it too loud, then the blind driver can not hear the address.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Because if you make lemonade out of dishwashing liquid it gets too sudsy.

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
What does a band leader have to do with a guy who works part time on a train? I don't understand the question.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
It is possible- but only at knight on King St in Queens, and then you have to be careful not to get rooked.

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
It is being kept for a rainy day in a nightdark place.

Do pilots take crash-courses?
Pilots have to crash for a certain amount of hours before they are allowed to fly.

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
No, they clean themselves with Kabbalah water.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
NO! He would have whipped out a dollar- it was not practical to have a quarter laminated.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Even if I had, that in itself would be a hypothetical situation and therefore the question is not feasible.

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Hmmm... I am not sure. It may have been a toad on a frog stool, I am not a fecal expert.

How can there be self-help "groups"?
These groups are only for people with multiple personalities.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?
You wait until it lands at its destination and then go through the disembarkation process.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
Since zero is the equivalent of nothing, then you just write nothing. Well not the word nothing, but " " without the " "

How many weeks are there in a light year?
It depends on the light. Is it a traffic light, night light, lighthouse? Is it the light of day, inner light, candle light or daylight? Or maybe enlightenment, lightweight, black light or light from lightening? Need more information.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
No, he has to have the updated version,"jogman"

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
No, astronauts get asteroids, unless they use astroglide.

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Look at her! What woman would hang out with a gorgeous tall skinny busty blonde for free?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
How is a deaf person supposed to read lips with ear muffs on? Hello??

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
Now, is "pet" a noun or a verb? Cause we may still have them as pets but I don't know that I would want to pet my pet so much if the pet I was petting didn't have fur, I may as well just pet a human who wasn't my pet.

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
What? The guy I knew from Wales had a hell of a shape and I don't think swimming had anything to do with it.

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

Antlers.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
No, white rice goes with Sushi.

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Cause they want you to spend all of your money in the bar and not at a motel. Some bars have even renamed these places "porking lots" to encourage this.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
I believe this is what has happened to Oprah time after time after time.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Only if you spin him around south of the equator.

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Because if the child was not running, you would be more apt to hit them.

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Because it doesn't start out that way.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Because the game sucks and you are expressing a desire to go to a different one

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Because if they called it slow hour, everyone would be speeding.

If Jaye was too tired to type tonight, does that mean that tomorrow she will write a real blog?
Hmmmm... finally a question that can't be answered.